It was worth it!!

Wow that was bloody brilliant! I want to go again, now! The pic to the left is of the girls outside the theatre. The pic to the right is of H the 'blushing' bride to be. We were working it out that we have been friends nearly 20 years, where did that go?

The journey up was long, but good. I took my CD walkman and Twilight audio book (I know, I know) and quite enjoyed myself. A night on H's sofa, with L on the other sofa and two kittens bouncing around was also fun. Then London. We went to Camden, a part of London I hadn't been to before. I loved it. I could have spent a fortune if I hadn't got to cart it around all weekend!! And two of the girls turned out to be fellow Twilighters, result!!

As for the show. Go, you must. It was amazing. You must go and see for yourself. Everything about it was just awesome. I want to go again, anyone interested? After the show it was back to the hotel to generally mess about until 3am. There was wine and chocolate and face packs (you are NOT seeing that photo, although someone, you know who you are, posted it on her facebook page!!!).

SO now it's back to reality. Dad had his op yesterday and it went really well. They are very pleased with him. Such a relief.

As for the other news. Still nothing signed yet. But I will tell all when I can. So things have turned on their head some what. Life can change completely just like that.

I don't want to play this game any more.

Had a crap couple of days and I just don't want to play any more. It just never stops does it? You get through one thing and something else just pops up.
Dad's back in hospital. Exeter this time. It was suppose to be routine but has turned out to be more complicated. So now he's not coming out till Tuesday.
Jamie had his consultation with his neurosurgeon yesterday in Plymouth. He was running and hour and a half late! Still at least they have decided to finally go ahead with the shunt now. They have been humming and haring for three years about this. So one hurdle might be crossed at last.
We're going to have to call his sleep councilor in again. He's gone back to more bad nights than good. We've just had a 2.30am followed by a 4.30am.
The silly season is kicking in now and Richard has started dashing about all over the place already. I keep telling him to slow down and not cart all those heavy laundry bags around. But will he listen? So I'm bracing for another heart attack.

Then last night one of my mums oldest friends called. She's kind of a third aunt, I've known her all my life. She's lovely. And she called to say she also had cancer. And because mum's at Exeter with dad guess who's going to have to tell her the news?

I've decided that trying to be happy is just too painful. Every time I try someone pulls the rug out again. I'd rather spend my life already sitting on the floor. Then, at least, when that rug starts to go I won't get any broken bones, just a couple of extra splinters.

Ok DJ Kirkby you asked for them!!! This is how the garden looked last week. As you can see there is a LOT of crap and weeds. It has been some what neglected for months now. Last year we weren't even living here because of the roof, and then Richards heart attack and so on and so on. Anyway the sun came out, briefly, so I went out for a recky. I started by clearing the rubbish and tidying the bit you can see in front of the greenhouse. That looks better now. And yesterday I started weeding the beds. There are now lots of little red tulips everywhere. I was doing so well, but guess what? Yup, raining!!! So no gardening today. And DJ, yes porridge oats do work. The slugs don't like the dryness. The only problem is that the birds also like the oats so you have to be careful they don't pull up seedlings. Mind you while they're eating the oats they also eat the slugs.

If I had written this post an hour ago it would have been very depressing. Last week was the week from hell. Dad was rushed into hospital on Monday because he went to the docs and had lost so much weight (3 stone) and wasn't keeping anything down. The doc went mad that the consultant wasn't doing anything and sent him off to hospital. There they put him on a drip etc and he picked up. He had lots more scans and tests and they sent him home on Friday. Today he is starting 9 weeks of Chemotherapy. If that shrinks the tumor enough then they will do keyhole surgery to remove it. So we've been back and forward to Barnstaple all week (25 miles). But I was coping, ish.

Then last night there was the sound of a distressed cat coming from upstairs. I thought I'd shut one of them in somewhere. But no. It was my Twinkle, my baby girl. He back end had collapsed and she was dragging herself along by her front paws. A phone call and then a trip to the emergency vets followed. She had suffered a blood clot that had cut off all the blood supply and circulation to her back end, she was dead from the middle down. There was only one outcome, so I held her while the vet did what he had to do. When we got home I decided I didn't like this game anymore, and I didn't want to play. I wanted to shut myself in the bedroom and stay there. I mean what's the point? If every time you think you've got the hang of it the rules changes and the rug gets pulled out from under you again? Happiness is dangerous, there's only one way it can go.

And then I got a phone call this morning from one of my best friends. She had her fourth baby on Thursday. A little boy called Harry. So life isn't all crap then, not really.

Happy Birthday (not!).

First of all thank you for all your birthday wishes and your best wishes for Jamie.

He was a star at the hospital. We always get more stressed than he does. I was more anxious about the night on the ward with him. Last time he woke at 2.30am and 'bimbled' until gone five. I spent the time trying desperately to stop him waking up the whole hospital! This time though he slept right through till 4.30, and then was quite quiet until morning proper.

He was first down on the list and so he went down to theatre at 8am. He was back on the ward, all done by 9.30am. All that for so short a time! Still it's where his fantastic neurosurgeon is based, and so that is where we have to go. I expect we will get called for a follow up appointment at Plymouth (he does outpatient clinics at Plymouth so we don't have to keep trekking to Bristol). Anyway it all seemed to go well, so hopefully that will be that for another 12 months.

The last three days have been about the most stressful of my life so far. The trip to Bristol and the lumber puncture were bad enough. But I think my birthday was worse.

My father has been having a few problems with his digestion, I won't go into detail. So his doctor sent him for the camera down the throat, to look for a hernia. His appointment was on my birthday so while we went out to lunch with some friends they went off to Barnstaple. Fine, we all thought, get it sorted out and we can carry on as normal.

We had a nice meal, Jamie had a great time watching the others play pool. We got home and did family stuff until my parents returned from the hospital. That was when the rug was pulled out from under us.

It's not a hernia, it's cancer. My dad, my wonderful, funny, happy, everything to me dad has cancer. We don't know how bad it is yet, but it looks like it's at a fairly early stage. With luck they might be able to do something. My grandmother (dads mum) had bowel cancer back in the '80's, she had an operation and went on for another fifteen years. And it was quite advanced. Maybe I'm clutching at straws, but the alternative is just too horrendous to think about.

Funny that just before I found out I had been blogging, and Frankie had left a comment saying that I was inspirational and always positive. I'm going to let Frankie down now because I don't feel the least bit positive. I feel crap, quite honestly. I had a good cry (out of sight) and then a bit of a rant (again in private). I refuse to accept it until they have done all the tests. It might not be cancer, and it it is then it might not be too serious. They might have caught it in time, he might have years. But he might be gone by Christmas, and I can't bear it.

As you can imagine my mental state is wobbly. I was already wound up about the lumber puncture, without this on top. Now we have got the LP out of the way I'm a bit calmer. And it's no more than a lot of other people are going through. Our own family have been here before several times. My grandmother died of another form of cancer nine years ago. And then there have been the sudden and/or tragic deaths. My mother in law died suddenly, but she was in her 80's. My cousin dropped dead (literally) from a heart attack age 38, to name but two.

One of the worst things is that there is nothing I can do. I can drive him to appointments and nurse him when the time comes, but I can't make it go away. What I can do is not waste anymore time. There are things I want to do with my life and I'm dam well going to do them.

Chapters 13 and 14 of MG is on WNR (and welcome Helen).