cornish jottings

Wow it's been a while!!

2010-10-17T14:48:00.002+01:00

Goodness it's been a while! I know some of you are on Twitter with me. If you're not, I wouldn't. It's not really a safe place to be.

So to update you all.

Back in Feb things were all building up to my New York trip. I spent a week there in mid March and all I can say is GO! OMG it is the most amazing place. I know everyone says how addictive it is, and I didn't believe it. But it really is. There are already plans to go back in April. If it come off then I will be there!!

But I'm not done yet. In four weeks I fly back to the US. This time to Atlanta. From there we drive to Baton Rouge. Why? Well....to watch the latest Twilight film being made of course!! is there any other reason to do anything?

And once again I have never met any of the girls I am going out there to meet/stay with. I know them all via Twitter. It's amazing what a close community there is on there. I have met several of my Twitter girls now and they have always been such lovely people.

So in 28 days I will be in the air again!!! I will try to be here a bit more. I do miss you all.

Big hugs all round xxxx

Blushing.

2010-02-03T20:38:00.004Z

I've been given an award by the lovely Carol. I reall don't deserve it!!! I have been a bad blogger friend to you all. So thank you Carol for keeping the faith. I am supposed to share five things I like and pass it on to ten of you. But I don't know who has already had it/done it. And anyway I feel mean only choosing ten, when you're all so fab. So if you want it then it is yours with my love.
So my five things I like. I'm thinking you can guess several of them!!! And these are in no particular order of prefrence.

1/ Cornwall. I've lived here 15 years at least and I couldn't live anywhere else now. I do love the city, but I don't think I was ever truely a city girl.

2/ Chocolate! What can I say? I'm a girl.

3/ Twitter/facebook/blogland. I have made some wonderful friends via these places. And can keep in touch with old friends I never get to see.

4/ Ummm Robert Pattinson. Yeah, he's ok, don't mind him.

5/ Reading, anything, everything. You still can't beat a proper book.

I didn't mentim family as I assume it's a given that I love them to bits.

Grovel, grovel!!

2010-01-21T14:19:00.002Z

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I have been a VERY bad blogger. You all have every right to never talk to me again. I hang my head and beg forgiveness.

I have been blogging, like mad. Just not here. And..umm...well they are not blogs I want to share here. Rather..ummm...adult.
But I promise I will make the time to be here again. I have been missing some of you. A lot of you are on face book and twitter and I have been catching up with you there. But it's not the same. And you're not all there.

So a very quick catch up.
Jamie turned 6 last week. Six! I really can't believe that, so scary where the time goes.
Dad is now fully recovered. In fact you wouldn't know there had ever been anything wrong.
My agent has given me a deadline for the first draft of Times Mistress for the end of March. A bit scsrly, but I shall do my best.
And talking of March. Some of you know about this already. But I'm going to New York for a few days. I'm so excited!! It's all Robert Pattinson related, so I won't bore you here. But it's going to be great, I hope. I'm flying out alone and meeting a group of girls out there.
And I have also been invited to go to Vancouver in October for a week. But that's Rob'Twilight related to, so again won't bore you.

And so here's to 2010. Let's hope we all get what we want from it.

Happy Christmas!!

2009-12-24T15:05:00.001Z

This is just to say a big thank you for all you support over this very strange year!!!

I promise to be around more after the holidays.

I love you all very much.

Happy Christmas. And I hope the new year brings you everything you desire.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm back! I think!!

2009-11-28T13:28:00.003Z

I think I might be back. TF promised free chocolate so how could I stay away?
I'm sorry I have been a bad blogger of late. I've kind of got sucked into other things, Face Book and Twitter to name but two. And I have been writing, not my new novel, but still words on page.

So a brief catch up. What has happened to Mrs P recently? Well I MET ROBERT PATTINSON!!!! Sqweeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! But you all know that.

I have to say that anyone who actually knows me in person will tell you I have changed A LOT over the summer.

As most of you know my lovely dad was diagnosed with cancer on my birthday back in Feb. My 35th will never be forgotten anyway! And as you all know I kind of imploded there for a while. You were all so patient and kind and I do thank you.

I can pin point the change. It was the weekend on my BFF's hen do in early July. It was also the same week that dad went into hospital for his make or break op. I met a great group of girls that weekend who gave me permission to be me, if you know what I mean? I realised that for too long I had been trying to be who everyone else thought I should be. Perfect mother, wife, daughter, and I'd never just been me. Then, for three days, I was just me, and it was bloody fantastic!!

I had also just read the Twilight saga books, as you all know I devoured them at speed! At the hen weekend I found two like minded souls and decided to 'come out' as a Twilighter.

When I met up with the same crowed a few weeks later at Hev's wedding I knew that I wasn't going home as the same person. It was like a cloud had been lifted, revealing the real me.

Some of the changes are subtle. I seem to have gone back to wearing a lot of black, and I paint my nails now (black). And some more...obvious. I've lost nearly two stone, dropped nearly two dress sizes and got two tattoo's. I think getting the tattoo's and losing the weight finally shifted me into my new self.

Again those who have known me a long time will know that I have always wanted a tattoo, but they were the sorts of things other people did. And I have never been happy with my size. But it was a good thing to hide behind. When I realised I didn't want to hide anymore I felt free enough to do it. I don't mind being looked at now, I used to hate it. I feel happy with myself for the first time ever.

And yes Twilight has played a large part in my transformation. It gave me a great escape when I really needed it. Not to mention finding Mr Pattinson. I have never gone potty over anyone before. Not like this anyway (ok Morten Harket when I was a kid, and you all know THAT story!!). I know some of you don't get it (yes DJ he did smell, he smelt wonderful, all hail the scruff!), but I'm very happy in my Rob bubble thank you.

My hubby Rich has been a little taken aback at these sudden changes in his wife, bless him. But not in a bad way. He's been telling me for years that I need to have more of a life of my own. Ok I may have taken it to extremes, but I always do!

I MET ROBERT PATTINSON!!!!

2009-11-23T13:13:00.005Z

Ok it wasn't for very long but it still counts!! (I know I said I wouldn't get Robsessed on here but I lied!!)

Look how close I got! And he'd gone passed me by then.

So for those of you who are not on Face Book or Twitter with me (and why not?) I'll back up and explain. About three weeks ago it became known that there was going to be some kind of 'event' in Battersea Park to do with the release of New Moon (the second Twilight saga film in case you've been on another planet for the last few months). But no details were being given.

As you all know by now I am a huge Twilight fan, and especially in love with the totally edible Mr Pattinson (sigh). I knew it was a mad thing to do but I decided that if they really were doing something in London then I was going.

I waited, and waited. Checked the web a zillion times a day (got up at two in the morning once). Still nothing.

We had a holiday booked in Brixham so I got myself a Dongle to be sure I could still get online. I gave my mobile number to my 'spies' with instructions to call me if they heard anything. And started waiting again.

Finally on the Tuesday it was announced! Yes it was happening, but you could only win tickets not buy them. So I entered my name in the ballot and crossed everything I could, and some things I couldn't! And waited again, I was doing a lot of that.

I wasn't going to know if I had tickets until two days before and Cornwall is a long way from London. Should I just go anyway? Should I wait and hope I could get a room when I got there? Should I book something just in case? I was a mess of indecision. And then I got a text.

We were in the coffee shop in Debenhams in Troquay when Rob started talking to me (my phone is set so that Rob talks to me rather than a ring tone, yes I know, I know). It was the lovely Kate from Robsessed Blog. They were doing the red carpet thing, so even if I didn't get a ticket to the actual do I could still get to see them all! Ok decision made.

And so early on the Tuesday morning of the 10th November Rich (my very patient husband) put me on the first of three coaches and waved me off. I spent the next 12 hours (yes 12) on a coach or sitting waiting for a coach, all on my own. I was beginning to question my sanity. Still I had my iPod and someone else was driving.

Finally at 8.30pm I reached my BFF's house and found the key she had left for me. I booked a taxi to take me to Northampton station first thing in the morning. You see I hadn't actually got as far as London yet. Heather's sofa was just as comfy this time as the last time, and two kittens bouncing on me all night was fun (well I kept telling myself that). Needless to say I didn't sleep much.

The next morning I got the train to London and finally met up with two fellow Twilighters. But they had been lucky enough to win tickets. No I hadn't even got a ticket, I was just going on the off chance of getting close enough to the front of the barrier. Still it meant I didn't have to travel across London on my own, that was the bit I wasn't looking forward to.

We got to Battersea Park about 11am and I took my place in the red carpet line. I was near the front so I was hopeful. I settled down and started waiting again.

Five hours later they started letting us through. I took a deep breath and went for it. I got to the front of the barrier! Yes, I was defiantly going to see him!!!!

Another couple of hours passed, but they were a great bunch. What I hadn't bargained for was the banks of press that were opposite!! Oh hell all those cameras!!! I was cold, I'd been rained on (twice) and was not looking my best. Still they kept filming us. Now I had promised to be dignified I was NOT going to turn into fangirlie. Well that all went to hell because they kept telling us to scream. Oh please don't make me do it again! Then someone interviewed me (no idea who). Well it passed the time anyway.

And then a big car with blacked out windows pulled up. There was a collective holding of breath. OH MY GOD THERE HE IS!! I just stared, and stared. He got closer, and closer. If a man can be beautiful the he is.

He signed my copy of December's Vanity Fair (get it and you'll see why). I don't remember speaking to him, but when I went on youtube a few days later there I am saying something!!

Rob was followed by the others, who were all lovely (although Taylor is a lot shorter than I was expecting!). I got the full set of autographs and we got to watch them give their interviews and have their photos taken. They were out there for almost an hour, it was amazing. Those inside didn't get close enough for autographs and only got about 15 mins with them, so I think I got the better deal after all.

The third film comes out in June and guess where I'll be?

Scattered Leaves

2009-10-24T14:51:00.003+01:00

Oh dear has it really been that long since I last blogged???
The trouble is that most of you lovelies are either on Face Book or Twitter so I can keep up with you all everyday. However I used to love my little blog world so I'm going to try and make myself spend some time here at least once a week. I'm not half as busy as some of you and you all manage it!!

So a brief update. Jamie is loving school, doing really well. His shunt seems to have made a big difference, he's so more responsive. Let's hope it continues.

Dad is getting better and better. In fact you really wouldn't know there had been much wrong with him!! I am starting to look forward to Christmas now I know he'll be there for it.

I have a new tattoo!! Well loads actually if you count them individually, which I haven't done yet. But I have a large constellation of solid black and open stars in a wave across my lower back (yes I know a tattoo there is called a slag tag). I would love to get it extended all up my left side and have it circle around my 'Be safe', but Rich not keen, I'll talk him round. I will almost certainly have some of the open ones coloured in in purple though.

Anyone who Face books with me will know my little obsession with Twilight and Rob Pattinson. Well the new film is out soon and I finally got tickets booked!! A group of us are all going together so heaven help Scotts in Barnstaple on the 21st November!!! I haven't looked forward to anything quite so much for a long time. And I have entered a comp to win tickets to the LA premier on 16th, keep it all crossed for me!!!!

And now for the reason for this post. As you know a few weeks ago the fab D J Kirkby was giving away copies of 'Scattered Leaves' by Richard E. Roach. And I won a copy! I promised to Post a review here when I finished it.

It's not the sort of book I would have chosen I have to admit, not my subject matter at all. But I try to be open minded in all things.
I was a little uncomfortable with the graphic violence, particularly the many rapes. But I can see that they were vital to the story. It makes you realise that bad things really can happen to anyone for no good reason.
Roach created characters that you cared about. You wanted them to get away with things and to end up the way they did. It really was a page turner.
If I had one criticism it was with some of the dialogue, a little clunky at times. But this didn't detract too much. I would defiantly recommend it to anyone who likes something a little different to the conventional romance, because that is basically what it is. But be prepared to feel sick as well as happy and angry.

I will also post a review on amazon D J. And thank you. I also won a copy of 'Motorbikes, ducks and crispy sweet apples' by Christopher I King. I will be reading and reviewing soon. But I promised Lucy that I would read 'Hens reunited' next. Watch this space (but not too closely as it might be a bit like watching paint dry!)

Bad Blogger, again hangs head.

2009-09-27T12:35:00.002+01:00

I know, I know. I'm getting really lax at this since becoming a face book addict! The trouble is that most of you are on there so I can catch up with you all everyday. And now I have discovered Twitter as well (thanks Caroline) and so many of you are also there....oh dear. Anyway I promise to try and keep more up to date. And I also promise that, from now on this blog will be a Twilight/Rob free zone (unless something really exciting happens).

So to catch up. Well very exciting was winning a book from the always fab DJ Kirkby. 'Motorbikes, ducks and crispy sweet apples' by Christopher I King (her lovely hubby). I'm looking forward to reading it. As well as Lucy diamonds new book 'Hens Reunited'. Trouble is I'm not reading much at the mo. I seem to have a lot or random writing ideas popping into my head and evenings are spent getting them down on paper. But I will read them and post reviews here and on amazon I promise.

My other excuse is a snotty cold. And that Jamie has gone back to his nighttime antics (Annicles please help with the vibes!!).

Other news. I have lost a whole stone!! And have, just about, dropped a dress size. I am very chuffed. The trouble is I now have to keep pulling my jeans and skirts up!! But I'm not complaining.

Dad is much better. He's putting weight back on and, I hope, has turned a corner.

I still haven't got anymore writing news for you. The world of publishing moves sooooooo slowly. But I will post as soon as there's something to tell.

I love you all heaps. And I will try and be a better blog friend from now on xxx

Sad but desperate!

2009-09-13T14:43:00.003+01:00

I know I'm sad but I'm also desperate!!!!

Is there anyone out there in blogland who know someone who can put me in touch with someone who can get tickets to the New Moon premier? I will pay money, or do almost anything else!! Pleeeeeeeeease???

Ok sad Twilighter blog post over.

Call yourself a writer....

2009-09-09T19:42:00.002+01:00

The lovely DJ Kirkby tagged me to do this meme.

Which words do you use too much in your righting? - Really, I know I do but still do it.

Which words do you consider overused in stuff you read?- Too many exclamation marks are a pain, but no words in particular, not in general anyway.

What is your favorite piece of writing by you?- A couple of short stories I wrote. 'Living the Dream' and 'Dolphin Creature'.

Which blog do you wish you'd written? -All the ones I follow!

Regrets. Do you have a few? Is there anything you wish you hadn't written? -In a word, no.

How has your writing made a difference?/What do you consider your most important piece of writing? - I would never be that presumptuous!

Name three favorite words? -(I know I can't say Twilight three times!). Richard and Jamie.

And three words you're not keen on?- All words are right if they are used well.

Do you have a writing mentor, role model or inspiration? - No mentor. And too many inspirations to mention here. I love Katie Fforde, Virginia Wolfe, Alice Walker......

What's your writing ambition? To get published. And if I can make some money at it so much the better.

So now I have to tag people. The trouble is those I would have tagged have already been tagged! So if you like this and want to do it then consider yourself tagged! (I'm doing the explanation mars thing aren't I?)

Catching up...again!

2009-08-30T13:18:00.002+01:00

It's been a while again hasn't it? Sorry.

Ok so what has been going on in Claire land? Well those of you who Face book with me (click the link, you know you want to) will know that Richard and I celebrated our ninth wedding anniversary last week. We have actually been together eighteen years (yes I was 16), but only married for the last nine. I had a lovely bouquet of flowers delivered, bless him, he never forgets.

Some of you also know of my tattoo plans (thanks for the sound effects Blu!!). A few of you know what I'm having and where, but I'm not telling here. I will post a photo when the deed has been done on the 8th Sept. Listen for the screaming about ten in the morning!!

Jamie is fully recovered now. His tummy scar is still a little sore, but this is as much to do with the plaster as the wound itself. It seems he has inherited a tendency to be allergic to some dressings. We shall have to watch that in future. I wish I had half his energy. He was up at 2am this morning, went back to sleep for a hour around 7.30, and he's bouncing round like he's had 12 hours!!! Now I remember when 2am was the time to crawl into bed after doing something your mother wouldn't approve of (although my parents were so liberal and laid back they were almost horizontal!). Now I'm groping around for my glasses so that I can change a nappy and a wet bottom sheet, oh how did my life get this glam!!

Still at least the silly season is almost over. Yesterday was the last busy changeover day, we hope. It's just so intense for about eight weeks, manic. Then we get the rest of the year off, in theory. But the best laid plans and all that. Are we taking bets on a rush of late lets for the autumn? Not that I should knock it, it's our living after all. Or it is for now. The novelty has well and truly worn off and next year might be our last year. No idea what we'll, or rather what Rich, will do instead but hey something will turn up, usually dose.

So that's us for now. x

Bad blogger!!!

2009-08-17T16:21:00.003+01:00

Oh dear it has been too long since I blogged!! The culprit is Face Book. Because so many of you are there I can catch up with you all and forget about my poor blog!

So what has been happening in Claire land recently. Honestly? Well not much actually. And to be honest that's been nice after the last few weeks of madness. Dad is getting better by the day. Jamie has bounced right back (and not sleeping much, so we know he's fine!!).

You will all (especially a couple of you, you know who you are) be please to know that I have decided to leave the Twilighting to FB and not bore you all with it on here. I heard that round of applause Annicles!!

I had an email from my agent the other day to say that she was very positive about selling DV, so fingers crossed. She seems to think we may start to hear something next month when the hols are over. I am living proof that it can be done, so all of you fellow writers out there don't despair and keep going.

And to go off on another random angle. I have decided to start trying to potty train Jamie again. We gave it a go last summer, but with no luck. If anyone out there has any hints for potty training a profoundly autistic child who is also non verbal, then please share.

Catching up...

2009-08-09T11:39:00.006+01:00

We're back. Properly this time, not dashing off again. It has been a some what intense week or so.

First of all the wedding. It was wonderful. I think the pics say it all really. Everyone had a great time. It was a shame we couldn't stay till the bitter end. But it was a child free wedding so Jamie spent the day with my aunt. We didn't want to leave him there too long so we left about eight. But it was worth the 250 miles and the jam on the M5! One of the best things was realising that I'm not the only 30something Twilighter! (this is my blog and I'll Twilight if I want to!). Arrangements are being made for a girlie weekend when 'New Moon' come out in November.

And then we were off to Bristol. They do everything they can to make it all as easy as possible, but it's still hard. Apart from anything else there is so much waiting around.

The op itself didn't go as well as expected. They had a problem getting the shunt tube where they wanted which meant a quick trip to the scanner and then back to theatre to redo it. We didn't know any of this until it was all over fortunately.

Throughout it all Jamie was a star. And now he seems back to his old self (he was up at 2.30 this morning so he must be feeling better). Fingers crossed that this is it. There will be follow ups of course, and other appointments for his other conditions, but hopefully the hydrocephalus is sorted.

Short and sweet part two.

2009-08-04T19:48:00.004+01:00

This is me and Heather (Hevs).

We're back. Till the morning anyway

The wedding was fab, really great. If you go to my facebook page you can see all the pics. but here are a couple.

Off the Bristol in the morning so they can drill holes in Jamie's head, gulp.

Short and sweet.

2009-07-30T16:03:00.004+01:00

This is just a short post to say goodbye for a few days. We're off in the morning till Monday. I might be back online Tuesday, but then we're off again Weds to Bristol for Jamie's op.

BTW I went for the black nail polish in the end. And they are my own nails!

See you all next week xxxxx

Summer....or not!

2009-07-27T12:50:00.003+01:00

Well Saturday was summer, that was it, one day. Yesterday it suddenly became October! Today, well it's still not sure :/

As some of you know from face book I had a rather stressful day last week. Dad suddenly took a turn for the worse. We got the doc out, there were blood tests and chest x-rays. His breathing had become very shallow and we all thought he would be going right back into hospital. Turns out he was just very anemic and is now on liquid iron supplement and thriving again. So one disaster averted.
However we had just said goodbye to the doc for dad when Richard called.
'Don't panic.' He says. Ok choose the two word that are instantly going to make me have kittens!
'Why?'
'Can you come and pick me up from the hospital?'
'What!!!' Ok Claire breathe. 'Why?'
'I had a funny turn and they took me in.'
It turns out that he was feeling a bit pants so he went to make a doctors appointment. When the receptionist called up his history on screen and saw he'd had a heart attack she sent him to the cottage hospital across the road. The then did an angiogram (spelling?). But they weren't happy so they called an ambulance.
He was fine. All he'd done was pulled a muscle in his shoulder which was causing the pain!!!
But I didn't know that until I got there. So I drove like a Cullen all the way, speed limits, what speed limits? Jamie in the back thinking mummy has finally lost it. When we got there he was standing outside waiting for us, like nothing was wrong. And a slightly sheepish look it has to be said.
He drove home!

So everyone is fine. Deep breaths all round.

On a completely different note my pink feather boa has just arrived. Some of you know about this.
It's the wedding this weekend so we're off on Friday. All those that were at the hen weekend have got to bring a pink feather boa for the reception. There is talk of dancing with them!!!! Ok I don't dance, can't dance, gulp. I think a lot of alcohol will be needed!

I have my dress. It's black and lacy. Yes I know it's a wedding, but this is H's wedding. All will clear when you see the pics next week. Let's just say it will all be very Gothic, so black is fine, especially with blood red, 5 inch heels!

Reasons to be cheerful....

2009-07-18T16:22:00.003+01:00

Dad came home on Thursday. I can't say he's fine, but he is much better. He's confined to upstairs and can't get out of bed much, but he's well in himself. He has a couple of cracking scars and still has a feeding tube, which he hates. But at least he's home. And his doc is very pleased with how everything went. So it's just a matter of time now while he heals.

And Jamie gave me a lay in this morning! Those of you on face book will know that the other day he decided to get up at 1.30am!!!!!!!!! Well he made up for it today. I woke at about nine with a sudden panic that he wasn't knocking to get up (he knocks on the inside of his door when he want to get up). I went to check him but he was still fast asleep. So I went back to bed, hurahh. Luckily for me Richard had given me the day off today. Usually I would be working on a Saturday. So it worked out perfectly. I got a proper lay in, the first for.....ummm....can't remember.

My agent now has 'Digging for Victoria' on ten CD's to send out, fingers crossed.

Now it the climate would just hurry up and remember that it's summer!?!? Ok rain is good. The gardens need it etc. But really, enough already!

Ok now I can tell you.

2009-07-10T13:05:00.002+01:00

I'm so excited!! You may remember a few posts back I was talking about subbing 'Digging for Victoria' to agents? Well one said YES!!!!

I got the email last week and wanted so much to tell everyone. But I was scared to until I had signed on the dotted line. Well I did that today, just now in fact. So I now have a proper contract with a proper literary agent who wants to sell my novel. Someone pinch me or something! :)

She has said lots of very nice things and seems confident that she can get me published. I'll wake up soon I know I will. How long have I dreamed about this? Can't remember, too long.

So you see it can be done. Hell if I can manage it then anyone can.

Bloody hell I'm a proper writer, with a agent!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was worth it!!

2009-07-07T17:48:00.005+01:00

Wow that was bloody brilliant! I want to go again, now! The pic to the left is of the girls outside the theatre. The pic to the right is of H the 'blushing' bride to be. We were working it out that we have been friends nearly 20 years, where did that go?

The journey up was long, but good. I took my CD walkman and Twilight audio book (I know, I know) and quite enjoyed myself. A night on H's sofa, with L on the other sofa and two kittens bouncing around was also fun. Then London. We went to Camden, a part of London I hadn't been to before. I loved it. I could have spent a fortune if I hadn't got to cart it around all weekend!! And two of the girls turned out to be fellow Twilighters, result!!

As for the show. Go, you must. It was amazing. You must go and see for yourself. Everything about it was just awesome. I want to go again, anyone interested? After the show it was back to the hotel to generally mess about until 3am. There was wine and chocolate and face packs (you are NOT seeing that photo, although someone, you know who you are, posted it on her facebook page!!!).

SO now it's back to reality. Dad had his op yesterday and it went really well. They are very pleased with him. Such a relief.

As for the other news. Still nothing signed yet. But I will tell all when I can. So things have turned on their head some what. Life can change completely just like that.

A new blog and a bit of news..

2009-07-02T19:22:00.003+01:00

Right I'm off, well I will be in the morning. Finally got the bus ticket fiacso sorted. I did as rainbowmummy said and called them. I cancelled the email ticket and went into the tourist info place in town and bought a ticket, just like that. So now I have it in my Prada messenger bag (name dropper!!) all ready. And yes Pauline it is the show with Jason Donovan.

I am taking the camera but I'm not promising the quality of the photos. It will rather depend on how much alcohol is involved. And as I'm not driving.... Anyway You will get all the gory details next week. But I may put them on a new blog I have been invited to be part of. Dirty British Girls. I think the name speaks for itself!!! Please come and say hi.

So other news. Well poor Jamie has got something called ursicaria (I'm not sure it that's how you spell it.) He came up in a really itcy red rash all over his body on Tuesday evening. A trip to the docs revealed it's this ursicaria. It is an allergic reaction to something he's ingested, but no idea what. We keep a food diary for him because of his digestive problems, but nothing seems to be new to his diet. My first thought was oh well that's the trip off then. But he's fine. Still really happy and bouncy, just itchy. And Richard has more or less insisted I go and 'have a life' as he put it. But I shall leave my phone on all weekend.

And now for some news on the writing front. You may remember that a while ago I started subbing 'Digging for Victoria' to agents? Well a few weeks ago one came back and asked to read the whole thing. Well that happened with 'Mulberry Gin' but it came to nothing. However this time...well let's just say it's better news. Nothing has been signed yet so I'm not going to go into details.

So I will see you next week! By then there should be some news on dad. The op is Monday morning. Everything crossed. I hope my good news isn't going to be eclipsed by something really, really bad.

It had better be woth it!!!!!

2009-06-30T13:31:00.003+01:00

How hard can it be to book a coach ticket online and then print it off? VERY HARD INDEED!!!!
I booked my coach up to Northampton, where I will be sleeping on friends floor (very dignified), for Friday. I chickened out of driving, apart from anything else it's too hot. Anyway the booking all went smoothly. As did booking the train home from London for Sunday. The train ticket arrived yesterday in the post, lovely. The coach ticket, AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

They send you an email to confirm your booking, and a link to view and print your e-ticket. Easy I thought. Except it won't let me! I've been going round in circles for three days now. Endless phone calls to National Express. They assure me that as long as I have the booking ref, and all the numbers they've given me then I can still travel. I just have visions of being on a platform with the bus about to leave and the driver refusing to let me on because I haven't got the actual ticket. I could be stranded hundreds of miles from home. Ok I know that's what credit cards are for. But I really don't need the extra stress. This weekend had better be worth it!!

Dad's surgery has been brought forward. He goes in Sunday. So I'm getting the train to Exeter so that I can see him Sunday night. Then they're going to operate Monday. I'm trying not to think about that. I'm hoping this weekend will take my mind off it all. But I'm going to miss Jamie sooooo much. I have never been away from him since he was in special care as a baby. What it Richard doesn't hear him in the night? What if he gets too stressed at me being gone? What if he doesn't miss me at all?

Here we go again!!!!

2009-06-24T13:50:00.003+01:00

I have been off radar for a few days, not intentionally. I won't bore you with the gory details, but lets just say a rabbit in the headlights has had nothing on me these last few days. Everything seems to have been going on around me. It has been taking a lot to remember to breathe in and out and put one foot in front of the other. But I did remember, and now I'm back. I will be catching up with all your lovely blogs and comments as soon as I can.

Wimbledon as started, hurah! I never watch sport, but love Wimbledon, go figure! Maybe it's because it means summer's here? Mind you summer means holiday makers, in droves, with all their peculiarities. Of which they have many. I expect they will appear here over the next few weeks.

Dad had the letter we had been waiting for, and dreading. He's been booked in for surgery on 7th July. He sees his doc tomorrow to find out the details. They have told us that there is a 10% chance he won't survive the surgery, this is not good odds apparently. I'm trying very hard to not think that these might be the last few days I have with him.

On a brighter note I'm off to London on 3rd for a hen weekend (I know, at my age!!). The friend was never, under any circumstances going to get married. So I'm going to prove to myself that it's real. And two days in London will be fab. We're going to a show, do some shopping...maybe drink too much (did I just say that out loud?) Anyway will take the camera and put the, probably very embarrassing, pics up.

The show is 'Priscilla, Queen of the Dessert'. I'm sure there's a link somewhere. If you've never seen the film you must, it's the funniest thing ever. You will never look at a ping pong ball in the same way again!!

A rather boring post. Sorry.

2009-06-17T19:55:00.003+01:00

Well it was summer here for three days. Yes a whole three days! But normal service had been resumed and today has been wet. And not just rain, thick fog! In June.

I have to say that not a lot has changed. Dad had another overnight stay in Exeter hospital. They finally did the tests they were supposed to do two weeks ago. So now we wait. He's eating better now though.

We had Jamie's TAC meeting at school today. It went very well. They are very happy with him. In fact they love him to bits! And he's not the baby anymore, they have a little girl started who is younger than him. He wasn't there this afternoon because Wednesday is horse riding. He loves it apparently. They have taken some photos so I hope they'll let us have copies. It seems that he won't hold on though. He sits in the saddle and flaps with joy as someone holds him on! I can just see it. Bless him.

Ok I have the telly on and they are talking about stuffing slugs, cooking them and eating them!! I think I might have just lost the will to live.

Oh yes and I'm now on facebook. I know I have always said I wouldn't go there like I need something else to stop me doing everything else I should be doing!! As soon as I can work out how to link to my page I'll put it up.

The sun is shining (for now).

2009-06-11T19:47:00.003+01:00

First of all thank you to everyone who said nice things about my story. I know it was a bit long for a blog, so thanks for taking the time to read it.

And welcome to my new followers. denise-macandrews I can't seem to find your blog.

Things have been quiet round here for a change. Jamie had another eye test last week. He was his normal not very co-operative self. But it went ok and they were happy with him.

Dad came home from Exeter hospital. He's put weight back on and his lung seems to be healing. Did I mention that? They wanted to do a biopsy on another spot the found. In the process the damaged him lung! Still he seems a little better for the moment. He has to go back next week overnight for more tests.

And the sun is out! I've dusted off the sunglasses and changed my wardrobe over. That makes me sound very posh. But really I have a very small wardrobe, that I have to share with Richard, so when the summer clothes come out the winter ones have to be packed away, and vice versa.

So I might be able to finish attacking the garden. I promised more garden pics didn't I? Ok I'll see what state it's in over the weekend.

I want to tell you a story.....

2009-06-04T19:53:00.004+01:00

I wrote this last year. It's, more or less, a dream I had, one of those really vivid ones. Hope you like it.

The Little Dolphin Creature

She walks in carrying the margarine tub cupped in both her frail, lined hands. With a soft smile she places it gently on the counter and lets out a satisfied sigh. She doesn’t
seem to see the girl behind the counter who is smiling
brightly back at her, waiting. She stares passed the girl to the back office, where Mel is busy staring out of the window when she should be filing. With a nod to herself the old lady eventually turns her face to the still smiling girl.
‘Hello my dear.’
‘Can I help you madam?’
‘I shouldn’t think so, but I think that young lady might.’ The old lady points a long, slender finger over the girls shoulder to Mel. The girl turns and looks. With a frown she turns back.
‘Mel isn’t a vet either. I assume you have brought something in to see a vet?’ She nods to the margarine tub.
‘Oh yes. I have a sick creature if that’s what you mean.’
‘So you want a vet, not a nurse.’ The girl says firmly, shooting another glare over to where Mel is oblivious and still staring out of the window.
‘If you insist dear. But I would like that young lady to join us, if you please.’ The old lady keeps the soft smile and lays her hand gently on the margarine tub.
The girl frowns again and pushes a button on the internal phone.
‘I have a lady out here with something that needs the vet…No I don’t know what it is but it’s in a margarine tub so it’s not big…. Yes I will, but she wants Mel…. I don’t know…. well that’s what she said…Ok.’ With a heavy sigh the girl puts the phone down and turns to the back room.
‘Mel!’ she calls. ‘Can you get yourself to room three to assist David?’ She turns back to the old lady with slightly strained smile. ‘Could you go through to room three please, David will see you.’
‘Thank you dear.’ The old lady carefully picks up the margarine tub and walks silently through the double doors to the consulting rooms.

Mel drags her eyes away from the dancing trees when she hears her name. Slowly she turns to the source of the sound. It is Connie telling her to go and help one of the vets. This is odd, it isn’t her day to be out front. She loves it, of course she does, but some days all she wants to do is hide out here and pretend to be doing paperwork. Today is one of those days. She’d sighed with relief that morning when she saw that she wasn’t on the nursing rota. She pads through to the front desk to see what was going on.
‘You’ve been asked for by her.’ Connie nods to the back of the old lady who is disappearing through the doors.
‘Why?’ asks Mel.
‘Don’t ask me. I assumed she must know you.’ Connie shrugs.
‘No, I don’t think so.’
‘Well she wants you rather than me so you better get through there.’ Connie tosses her head and turns back to the desk.
Mel follows the old lady through to the consultation rooms. David is waiting and greets the old lady with a dazzling smile.
‘Hello there and what can we do for you today?’ he gushes. The old lady looks right passed him towards Mel. She hands the margarine tub to Mel with great care.
‘I’ve brought you this.’ She says looking Mel deep in the eye. Mel tries to look away, but can’t.
Mel takes the margarine tub gently and sets it down on the examination table. She looks up at David, who nods. Carefully Mel lifts the lid. They peer in to see that the tub is filled with water. To begin with they think it is empty. Then Mel sees a flicker of movement from one corner. She points and they get their faces right down until their noses are almost in the water. The little flicker slowly moves out into the middle of the tub and shows itself. It looks like a dolphin; but it is barely the size of a little finger. Mel gasps and looks across at David. David stands up and purses his lips.
‘Where did you get this?’ he asks.
‘Oh I’ve had him a long time.’ The old lady still keeps her eyes fixed on Mel.
‘And why have you brought him to see us today?’ David continues.
‘He’s sick.’ The old lady says to Mel.
‘In what way?’ David asks.
‘He needs looking after and I can’t do it anymore. He’s ready to move on.’ The old lady continues to fix her attention on Mel while she speaks. Mel shifts her weight and tries again to look away.
The creature gives a small flick of the tail that makes the water ripple. They all turn back to look into the margarine tub.
‘You said he’s sick madam. What are his symptoms?’ David tries to keep the tension out of his voice. He has no idea what the creature is or what on earth he is supposed to do with it. With any luck he can convince the old dear that there really isn’t anything wrong with it and she’ll take it away again.
‘He needs taking care of.’ She says simply.
‘We are a vets madam. We can only take care of your…pet if you tell us what’s wrong with it.’
‘I think if this young lady takes him home for a while he’ll be much better in no time.’ The old lady smiles her soft smile and gives Mel a look that makes her glow and shiver at the same time. She tries to smile back but all she can think of is the little thing struggling in the margarine tub. It needs help and all David seems to be doing is going round and round in circles.
‘I could take it.’ Mel says. ‘I could take it home and keep it in my old fish tank for a few days, see how it gets on.’
‘That would be perfect dear, thank you.’ The old lady finally takes her eyes off Mel and turns to David.
‘I don’t think we can do that madam. It’s not very professional. The nurses can’t just take animals home you know. Especially if we don’t know anything about it.’ He shoots Mel a look that tells her she will be in trouble later. Strangely she doesn’t care this time. She keeps looking at the margarine tub. The tiny dolphin creature is still again now, for a moment she thinks it is dead. Then it twists its body and she breaths again.
‘Oh that’s all right dear.’ The old lady turns her soft smile on David. ‘I really think it will be for the best. I’ll leave him here with, Mel was it? Yes with Mel. Thank you very much.’ And she turns before anyone can say anything, and is gone.
David opens his mouth to call after the old lady but can’t. Instead he turns to Mel and pushes the margarine tub across the table to her.
‘Take whatever it is and flush it. I don’t even know what it is let alone what’s wrong with it. And don’t you ever do that again.’ He storms out of the room, his embarrassment turned to anger.
Mel stares at the margarine tub. Quietly she peeps in and sees the little dolphin creature. It turns its head until one eye is looking up through the water and meets hers. She blinks in surprise and jumps back. When she looks again it is still looking at her. There is no way she is going to flush it down the toilet. Carefully she puts the lid back on and takes it to the staff room. She tucks it away at the back of her locker. Then goes and flushes the toilet so David will think she had done as he has asked.

When she gets home she fetches her old fish tank out from under the stairs and fills it with bottled water. With panic she realises she doesn’t know whether should be fresh or salt water. She dips her finger in the margarine tub and licks it. It isn’t salty, good. Carefully she takes the tub and tips it up over the tank. The little dolphin creature plops into the clear water and sinks down to the bottom. Mel holds her breath and watches. For a long time nothing happens. Mel pulls up a chair and sits by the tank. For three hours she sits and stares at the little dolphin creature. Still it doesn’t move. By midnight she can hold back no longer and lets the tears fall. It was dead, it had to be.
She sits and mourns. She mourns for the little dolphin creature. She mourns for her mother. She mourns for her sister and the foetus that went with her. And she mourns for something else; something she somehow knows she will now never have. When she’s empty and her shell collapses down on the kitchen chair she sees a flicker. Her red eyes move across to focus on the tank. There, swimming about, is the little dolphin creature. Mel starts to cry again.
The next morning Mel hurries down stairs into the kitchen. As she opens the door she stops dead. In the fish tank the little dolphin creature isn’t as little as it was. Overnight it had grown, doubled in size. It flicks its tail and turns to look at her. Through the glass it holds her gaze. Mel gets down to its level and they watch each other. Suddenly a thought occurs to Mel.
‘You must be hungry. What do you eat?’ She gives the little dolphin creature a questioning look. It twists its body round so that it is facing her again, but doesn’t answer.
Mel pulls open cupboards and hunts for something that might look right. She rejects cereal and bread, tinned beans and pasta. At the back of the top shelf she finds a tin of can food that she had bought the other week for the stray that is hanging around. She fishes it out and shows it to the little dolphin creature.
‘What do you think?’
The little dolphin creature turns a little summersault. Mel opens it and mashes a spoonful down with a fork. Carefully she drops little bits into the tank and waits. The little dolphin creature snaps the bits of food up while Mel watches from her post on the chair. She wants to sit there all day and just watch it. But the clock tells her she’s late so she drags herself back upstairs to dress.

Work is so slow Mel is convinced the clock has stopped. At lunch Connie tells her, in great detail, about her love life. Mel smiles and nods in all the right places, and stops listening after five minuets. In the middle of afternoon surgery David’s wife comes in with their baby daughter and she watches them be married. With a sigh she takes the dogs for their afternoon walk. On the way back she wonders about the little dolphin creature and the old lady. She realises that she has no idea who she was or how to get in touch with her. This is dreadful. She needs to talk to the old lady. She needs to ask her why the little dolphin creature grew so much like that. She needs to ask how she should take care of it. And what happens when it gets better?
Suddenly she feels warmth in the centre of her back. It feels like someone has put a warm hand on her back and is gently rubbing it, it feels nice. But it’s not the sort of feeling you should have in the middle of the street. Mel pulls herself up straight and slowly turns round. Standing just behind her is the old lady. Mel jumps and nearly lets go of the leads. The old lady smiles her soft smile.
‘Has he grown much?’ the old lady asks.
‘Oh…um…yes. Yes he has.’
‘I thought he would.’ The old lady nods to her self and in the time it takes Mel to adjust her grip on the dogs’ leads, she has gone. Mel spins round full circle, but nothing.

Mel doesn’t even take her coat off but goes straight through to the kitchen. In the tank the little dolphin creature now fills half the tank. Mel gasps and plops down on the chair to look closer. The little dolphin creature summersaults and splashes and Mel is sure he’s pleased to see her. She hurries to the fridge and gets out the rest of the morning’s cat food. The little dolphin creature twists and flips and then eats and eats.
All evening Mel sits on the kitchen chair and watches. The little dolphin creature performs all his best tricks for her until he is tired out. For the last hour before she goes to bed they sit and gaze at each other. Sometimes he looks so deep inside her Mel is sure he can actually see her heart beating. With great care, and not a little difficulty, Mel carries the tank upstairs and places in beside her bed. All night they watched each other.
In the morning she brings the tank back down into the kitchen. It is her day off and she decides they will spend it together. She has been a vetanary nurse for three years now and she had quickly learnt not to get emotionally involved with either the animals or their owners, it was just too painful. And this…thing…whatever he is, he isn’t the cutest thing she has ever seen, not at all. A fluffy kitten, a waggy puppy, she could understand. But this was a fist size fish with a long nose and boggy eyes. And yet as soon as she peered in the margarine tub she knew that she had to help him. Looking at him now her heart skips. He is gazing back at her with a look she wishes she could see in other eyes.
After breakfast they go through to the sitting room and she puts the TV on for the little dolphin creature. For a few minuets he floats, eyes fixed on the screen. Then he flicks his tail and turns away.
‘I agree.’ Mel says and turns it off.
The house has to be cleaned, dust removed and order returned. Mel puts the radio on and makes a start. The little dolphin creature watches her progress around the room, and waits for her when she goes to do the rest of the house.
She hasn’t noticed she was doing it until she catches her reflection in the mirror. All day she has been talking to the little dolphin creature. Mel blushes and turns away. In the tank the little dolphin creature waits for her to finish what she is telling him. He floats there with his head on one side. Mel smiles and puts a finger gently on the glass. The little dolphin creature bumps his nose against the glass where her finger is and Mel is sure she can feel the warmth ripple through. She leaves her hand there for a while, slowly unfolds her fingers until her whole palm is flat against the glass. The little dolphin creature rubs his head against the tank and Mel quietly sobs.

The next morning Mel throws open the curtains and cries out. In the tank the little dolphin creature is no longer little. He has grown so large over night that his nose and tail are rubbing against the sides of the tank. Mel runs to the bathroom and fills the bath.
The tank is very heavy and Mel struggles to get it through to the bathroom. In the end she slides it along the carpet, water sloshing over the sides and soaking the floor. The little dolphin creature watches Mel carefully, but he stays still, not scared. Mel heaves the tank up over the side of the bath and the little dolphin creature crashes into the full bath. Mel collapses on the bath mat exhausted. She hurries down stairs and fetches the little dolphin creature some food. She is late for work, she has to go. She blows him a kiss from the bathroom door and hurries away.
All day Mel worries. If the little dolphin creature keeps growing like this he will soon be too big for the bath, and then what? In three days he has grown to nearly ten times the size he was when the old lady brought him in in the margarine tub.
On her way home she remembers something. At the bottom of her parents garden there used to be a swimming pool. It has long ago been drained and is now overgrown. But it can be refilled can’t it? She can think of nothing else, no other solution, the alternative does not bare thinking about.
She opens the front door with a trembling hand and runs up the stairs. In the bath the now not so little dolphin creature is bobbing in the water. He twists around at the sound of her at the door, Mel is sure he smiles. She smiles back and drops to her knees beside the bath. An hour later she is still there, still in her coat with her bag at her side. The dolphin creature flicks and twists and puts on a show for her. Her hand hovers over the rim of the bath wanting to dip in. finally she touches the surface of the water with her fingertips. The dolphin creature turns around and touches her fingers with his nose. Mel is sure her heart has stopped. His nose is warm and soft and touching it feels so familiar. They stay there and watch each other. The dolphin creature looks into Mel’s eyes and she notices something. His eyes have changed colour. And the skin around his face has lightened. Mel starts to worry again. Is this normal or does it mean he’s sick again? But his eyes are bright, sparkling, and his skin is smooth and glowing.
When bedtime comes Mel cannot bare to leave the dolphin creature, so she drags her bedding into the bathroom and makes a bed for herself on the floor. All night she listens to his gentle splashings, and he listens to her gentle breathing.
By morning the dolphin creature has grown again. Mel takes a deep breath and calls her parents. While the phone rings Mel tries to decide how to explain the situation to her mother. She can see her mother rolling her eyes and deciding that her daughter has finally gone mad. If her mother had a better nature then she could try appealing to that. As it is she is going to have to rely on the truth and hope.
An answer phone kicks in and tells Mel that her parents have gone on a cruse around the world, Mel is glad she is not a burglar. This is good. She will drive down at the weekend and fill the pool. Mel prays the dolphin creature doesn’t grow too much in the mean time.
She goes back up to the bathroom and tells the dolphin creature that she is off to work. He flicks his tail and looks at her sadly. Then he makes the first sound she has heard. A low-pitched wail that sounds like ‘Nooooo’. As she turns to go down the stairs it comes again, then again. By the time her hand is on the door handle it is echoing around the whole house. The dolphin creature is begging her to stay. Mel has to go to work, she has to pay the rent, buy food. But her heart breaks a little more every time she hears that sound.
‘Nooooooooo!’
Mel drops her bag, shrugs off her coat and runs back up the stairs.
‘It’s ok. It’s ok.’ She sooths. The dolphin creature is flicking and twisting in great distress.
‘Hey, hey. I’m here. Look, look. I’m here.’ She stands and leans over the bath until she’s sure she will fall in. Slowly the thrashing around eases, he calms. He gazes up at her and says thank you as best he can.
‘I need to go down stairs and call them. Tell them I’m not coming. But I’ll be right back.’ She watches and is sure she sees him nod. She nods back and dashes down to call the vets.
Mel is not good at lying and she is sure they don’t believe a word. Still it can’t be helped, and now there are more important things.

Saturday comes not too soon. The dolphin creature is bursting out of the bath now and he has to be moved. Mel explains why she is having to leave him. He looks at her and blinks his long lashes. When she leaves she listens for the cry from the dolphin creature, but it doesn’t come. He understands.
Mel drives down to her parents’ house in the country and hopes they still leave the key under the same flowerpot.
They do. Mel wastes no time in setting up the hosepipe. Dragging it across the lawn and threw the thicket of brambles and bracken that had grown up around the swimming pool isn’t easy, but she has to do it. Eventually water is gushing into the empty, gaping blueish green hole in the ground. As Mel watches something occurs to her that makes her loose her balance for a moment. How is she going to get the dolphin creature from her flat to this swimming pool? And what if he’s grown again by the time she gets home? Mel goes pale. She has to think. Her car might be big enough if she lets the back seats down. But he will be heavy. And it is quite a long drive. How will she keep him wet? She can’t keep him wet. She feels faint and leans against a tree.

The dolphin creature watches Mel as she moves around the room gathering towels. She runs each one under the tap until the floor is covered in sodden piles. He tries to flick his tail but he is now so big he can no longer move. He is wary and he doesn’t take his eyes off her. But Mel can’t look at the dolphin creature. She knows there is a good chance this might not work, she might be about to let him down in the worse way. And she tries not to think about getting him to the car.
The time comes and she has to try. She lays a row of towels out on the bathroom floor and takes a deep breath. She scoops her hands under the dolphin creature’s belly and is amazed. She lifts him out of the water as easily as if he was still in the margarine tub. Because she has braced herself so much for the expected weight she nearly falls backwards.
Recovering herself Mel wraps the dolphin creature in as many of the wet towels as she can, and tries hard not to feel the warmth of his skin.
The drive takes longer than it has ever taken before. At every junction and at every red light Mel turns to check the dolphin creature. He gazes back at her and rolls his big eyes. Mel bites her lip and puts her foot down.

The dolphin creature is even lighter in her arms now and Mel runs across the lawn. She stumbles, trips and runs on until she is beside the swimming pool. The towels are almost dry by now and his skin is cooler. Mel drops to her knees and rolls the dolphin creature into the water. He disappears into the darkness and Mel wishes she had had time to clean the disused pool from its years of dead leaves and slime. Her eyes scan the murky water for a sign of him in there. The sun starts to rise and lights up the garden. Mel gets down on her knees and puts her face down to the water’s surface. She peers and peers until she sees a shadow. There, at the bottom lays the dolphin creature. Still. Mel sits back on her heels and waits. An hour passes, then two, then three. There is no movement, no stirring. The dolphin creature sits on the bottom of the pool unmoving.
The tears drop silently onto the stones and splash into the water. Mel sits and stares into the water until she stops seeing anything. She knew there was a chance, a good chance this would happen, but what choice did she have? After another hour of nothing Mel stands and hugs herself, pulling the garden around her like a blanket. He’s gone, it’s finished.
Mel peers again into the water, trying to catch a last glimpse, to say goodbye. But she can no longer see anything down there. She pulls off her coat, kicks off her shoes and jumps. She takes a deep breath and dives down into the darkness. She kicks down and kicks down until she is on the bottom. She opens her eyes but can see nothing. Then the sunlight filters through and she sees.
The dolphin creature is lying still where he has settled. Mel swims over and reaches out to him. Gently she lays her hand on the dolphin creature’s side. For as long as she can she strokes the cold body and mixes a little salt water into the fresh. She has to get back up or she will have to stay there with him forever. She lets the dolphin creature go and floats back up to the surface.
Mel heaves herself out of the water and pulls one of the now dry towels around her shoulders. For the rest of the day she sits crossed legged on the poolside. After a while she stops thinking and nearly stops breathing, everything beyond her.
She doesn’t notice for a long time. The ripples get bigger and bigger until it is impossible not to see them. Her neck is stiff, her back screaming, but she manages to turn her head enough to watch the water start to move. For a few minuets she watches without seeing. Slowly, slowly her brain catches up and she starts to realise that what she is seeing is very strange indeed. She carefully uncrosses her legs and crawls to the pool edge. Kneeling and watching Mel sees the ripples turn into small waves that start to lap at the pool edge. The waves start to splash up over the side, soaking Mel’s skirt. She knows she should be scared, this is not normal. But she isn’t. In fact she is very calm, fascinated. With wide eyes she stares at the heaving water. There is a centre point that is creating the disturbance. Mel watches the place where the dolphin creature lay as the water starts to bubble. She stands and takes a step back. From the bubbling foam a shape starts to rise from the water.
The shadows start to clear, the water calms and there he stands in front of her. His large eyes are human but Mel knows them well. Wide and clear, deep blue they are the eyes she has spent so long looking into. His tall, broad nakedness, the dark hair falling around his face, and the wide smile keep Mel rooted. For a long time they drink each other in.
Finally he holds out his hand to her. Mel takes a step forward and melts into him as he curls his strong arms around her. She tilts her head up and they look deep into each other. Gently he dips his head down and kisses her. Mel slips her arms around his neck and the rest of the world disappears.
At the edge of the lawn the old lady folds her arms contentedly and nods.

Playing again.

2009-05-27T19:16:00.003+01:00

Thank you so much to all of you for being soooo kind and understanding, again. It's wonderful the way you all rally round. I'm still swimming through treacle, but at least I'm swimming now, not drowning. And I've decided I might start playing the game again, for a bit, see how it goes.

So here's a brief update. As I mentioned dad's back in hospital. They found a spot in one of the scans that they wanted to investigate. However while they were investigating they damaged his lung, as you do. So now he's puffed up like a bull frog and on a machine to pump the excess air out of where it shouldn't be. He looks very strange. At the moment they're saying he'll be in till Monday. So then we'll see. The annoying thing is they don't think this spot is actually anything anyway, so he's probably been through all this for nothing! Hurumph.

Now Anna willed Jamie to sleep, and it worked! For two night anyway. Ho hum. Still 4am this morning wasn't as bad as 1.25 the morning before.

But I have a wonderful escape hatch. He's called Edward and he's a vampire. Maybe it's the stress and lack of sleep, but I've developed a real thing for him. I know, I know you don't need to say it. I'll do you a deal. If you stop laughing, I'll stop baning on about it, ok?

I don't want to play this game any more.

2009-05-23T18:20:00.003+01:00

Had a crap couple of days and I just don't want to play any more. It just never stops does it? You get through one thing and something else just pops up.
Dad's back in hospital. Exeter this time. It was suppose to be routine but has turned out to be more complicated. So now he's not coming out till Tuesday.
Jamie had his consultation with his neurosurgeon yesterday in Plymouth. He was running and hour and a half late! Still at least they have decided to finally go ahead with the shunt now. They have been humming and haring for three years about this. So one hurdle might be crossed at last.
We're going to have to call his sleep councilor in again. He's gone back to more bad nights than good. We've just had a 2.30am followed by a 4.30am.
The silly season is kicking in now and Richard has started dashing about all over the place already. I keep telling him to slow down and not cart all those heavy laundry bags around. But will he listen? So I'm bracing for another heart attack.

Then last night one of my mums oldest friends called. She's kind of a third aunt, I've known her all my life. She's lovely. And she called to say she also had cancer. And because mum's at Exeter with dad guess who's going to have to tell her the news?

I've decided that trying to be happy is just too painful. Every time I try someone pulls the rug out again. I'd rather spend my life already sitting on the floor. Then, at least, when that rug starts to go I won't get any broken bones, just a couple of extra splinters.

I'm regressing!

2009-05-18T16:30:00.004+01:00

As you have been able to see from my side bar I am currently reading 'Twilight'. Now this is not at all the sort of thing I would normally read at all. But mum came home with it from the mobile library. I saw it on her table and asked why she had chosen it, it's not her sort of thing either, apart from anything else she's 70. She said the man on the van had recommended it so she took it.

Now I have twin God daughters who are 15 and they are very into the twilight series so I had heard of it. I decided that, seeing as it was just sitting there I'd borrow it and have a read, see what all the fuss is about.

And I'm totally hooked! Not least because of Edward Cullen, oh my! Now I know he's a 17 year old vampire and I'm a wrong side of 30 housewife. But a girl can dream. It is rare that a character in a book does anything for me, it has only happened once before.

Maybe I'm just going backwards. In my defence I am, an will forever be, 16 in my head.

It looks like Richard Hammond may have a rival for my affections!

On the Jamie front. Well I have now had three night with little or no sleep. I have reached the slightly lightheaded stage now. Which may explain why vampires have become so appealing!

IPod part two.

2009-05-14T13:43:00.005+01:00

Ok then here we go. First of all thank you to everyone who responded to my little Q&A post. I stupidly thought that everyone had IPods these days. In fact I thought I had come rather late to the phenomena. I treated myself to a little IPod Shuffle last year (£32 in comet so not a big posh one or anything).

Anyway seeing as you answered my questions I suppose I should now own up to what I have lurking.

What is the most played song on my IPod? Moonlight Shadow by Mike Oldfield.

What song has the most meaning and why? Take on Me by A-ha. This song quite literally saved my life once.

What is the most embarrassing thing on on my IPod? Tragedy by Steps. In my defence there is also some Blondie, Simon and Garfunkel, Moody Blues, Enya and Clannad.

What song gets me singing along? Holding out for a Hero by Bonnie Tyler. But I have to have the volume up high enough so I can't hear myself.

When do I listen to it most? Doing changeovers. Takes my mind off the fact that I'm cleaning other peoples toilets!!

My IPod is psychic.

2009-05-11T19:20:00.005+01:00

I was reading something the other day and this guy was talking about his IPod being haunted. He said that he always had it on shuffle but it always seemed to know just what song he wanted to listen to. I was nodding the whole time I read this because mine does that as well.

I always have it on shuffle but it is defiantly psychic. If I think I'd like to hear a certain song next, then that tends to be the one that comes up. it has it's off days, but is mostly spot on. It is a little creepy to be honest. Mind you it saves having to skip through everything to find what it is you want.

And this put an idea in my head for a new meme. So here are a few questions for you.

What's the most played song on your IPod?

Which song has the most meaning and why?

What is the most embarrassing thing on you IPod?

Which is your favorite to sing along to?

When do you most listen to it?

So there you are, over to you. I will put my own answers in the next post.

Don't think I wanted to know that!

2009-05-09T13:30:00.002+01:00

It is well known that holidaymakers leave their common sense, manners, road sense and ability to tell the time at home. But now it seems they have also started to leave their inhibitions and sense of shame there also.

You will remember the young couple in the swimming pool the other week, not swimming. Never mind that it was a pool that was open to anyone else staying there, as well as being visible to anyone walking past. They didn't care who might see them (not even her parents who were staying there as well).

You may also remember the tale of the businessman with his 'buy one get one free' Thai sisters, and the sheets that had to be binned after their visit.?

Well they've been at it again.

She was in her 50's and he in his early 30's by the look of them. Now I'm in no position to comment on age differences as you know. Richard is old enough to be my father and my step-son (who I've never met) is the same age as me. So good for them, why not if it works? And it obviously did.

I don't do this particular cottage because it's a Friday changeover and I do another one in a different place. But Richard came home and said that they obviously had a very good week. In his words there was 'evidence of a lot of sexual activity. And not just on the bed.'
'Oh?' says I. 'Where else then?'
'The bath.'
Ok fair enough, we've probably all been there.
'And the living room mirror.' Pardon?!?

Ok too much information. I really don't want to know how they managed to get 'it' over the living room mirror.

My son has a haream!

2009-05-07T14:09:00.004+01:00

It seems our five year old son is already pulling the ladies. I think there must be a flirt gene inherited from his father. Richard still has the ability to make grown women go all unnecessary. It's quite funny to watch actually. He's completely unaware he's doing it, most of the time. And so is Jamie.

At school most of the teachers and TA's are female. And in the morning they actually fight to get to him, to be the one to have him for the day! He has no idea, I don't think.

And then on Saturday after swimming we stayed on to have lunch with Richard. One of the owners of one of the cottages was there doing some laundry. She's never had children and fell for Jamie right away. By the time we went home they were on the floor together feeding her dog bits of biscuits. This was after we had met one of the couples staying in another cottage. They are a great old couple with a little Westie dog. Anyway she went all gooey over Jamie, who just stood there stimming, completely unaware of the fuss he was creating.

The trouble is that none of these adoring women are around at three in the morning when he decides it's time to get up. I was stupid enough to think that a couple of weeks of reasonable sleep patterns meant a break through. Oh No! Stupid, stupid mummy! In three days he has woken at 2.30am, 4.30am and 3.10am (this morning). I can cope with it, normally. Unless daddy decides to stick his nose in. Jamie finally went back to sleep this morning about 5ish. Richard went to the bathroom just before 6 and decided to look in on him. He was asleep on the floor with his face pressed against the wardrobe. Not the most comfortable position granted. But rather than let sleeping children lie Richard decided to move him back to bed! This was after he had slept through all the earlier fuss. And I knew he would go right back to sleep, leaving me to deal with Jamie when he woke back up. I could have slapped him! Luckily for him Jamie didn't wake. In fact I had to wake him to get him ready for school.

Why do men always think they know better?

Being invisable.

2009-05-02T19:57:00.002+01:00

Maria asked me today at swimming if I was going to post anymore about the weird and wonderful ways of our holidaymakers. As we were using the pool on the site where most of our cottages are it reminded me of the tale Richard came home with the other night.

The pool is indoors and along one side is a corridor that leads from the laundry room to the store room where we keep everything we don't keep in the laundry room. So Richard is back and forth all day when he's there. This corridor looks into the pool through three windows and two glass doors. So as you pass you can clearly see in.

The site is quiet this week and so the pool had been to. However one cottage is being used by the owners and their daughter. And the daughter's boyfriend. I think you can see where this is going.

Richard was going back and forth and was aware of activity in the pool. Because the pool is unmanned he always looks in to make sure whoever is in there is ok. Just a glance through the window. However what greeted him yesterday was the daughter and her boyfriend in the pool, in the top corner NOT swimming.

All I can say is thank God the pool gets cleaned on a Saturday morning before we all piled in with the kids!!!!

He said Rabbits!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-05-01T14:39:00.002+01:00

Last night we were sitting watching the close of the news and the opening of the One Show. Jamie loves the intro music, and it marks bedtime.

The news finished and the ident thing came on while the announcer introduced the One Show. It was the ident with the forest and fairies. And there is a large rabbit, actually I think it's a hare. Anyway Jamie was watching when he turned to me and signed rabbit!!!! He has never done that before! He rarely signs spontaneously like that. He can sign to ask for some things, or if we deny him something until he signs. But this was just out of the blue. I was so excited. And so proud of him.

The only thing I can think is that they were doing something about the Easter bunny at school or something. We haven't go a pet rabbit or anything so it's not a sign I use that often with him. But he's remembered it, wherever he saw it.

Jamie where art thou??

2009-04-28T16:00:00.003+01:00

As you know from a few blogs back we had a bit of trouble with some water coming into the wall in Jamie's room. So we pulled the bed away from the wall about a foot and put the bed rails up. He seemed to take no notice of this at all, we thought. Then, the other morning, he started knocking on the wall rather than the door as usual. When I went in I found him standing behind his bed by the wall, stuck. He'd got himself there but couldn't get back. So I heaved him over the rails back onto the bed. Fine, no harm done, he had only been there a few minuets.

Then on Monday the alarm went off and it was still all quiet. Usually he has me up long before the alarm at 7.30. So I went to wake him to get ready for school. I opened the door, walked in, no Jamie. Small amount of panic until reality kicked in. There is no way he can get out of his room as it's a door knob rather that a handle and he hasn't worked that one out yet. Anyway our room is right next door so he couldn't have gotten out without passing our open door. Anyway the door was still shut so he hadn't gone anywhere. But the fact remained the bed was empty and he was nowhere in sight. But I could hear him snoring.

Somehow he had got between the bed and the wall and had gone to sleep on the floor, with Pooh Bear as a pillow. He hadn't made any attempt to alert us that he was stuck. He is so accepting of everything that he didn't try to wake us. Most kids would have got upset and cried or something. But Jamie just curled himself up on the floor and went to sleep. I don't know if this is an autistic thing or just a Jamie thing. It worries me sometimes just hoe accepting he is. When he's ill or even when he broke his finger, he just seems to shrug and carry on.

Dad update. He's in hospital right now having his second lot of chemo. He seems ok, but is now starting to loose his hair. Keeping everything crossed.

Synopsis for Fiona.

2009-04-21T19:31:00.003+01:00

A few weeks ago Fiona asked for other writers to post their synopsis. I thought this was a good idea because we know what happened and what's going to happen in our novels, but no one else does.

So this is the synopsis for Digging for Victoria. Please be honest, if it's crap or makes no sense then tell me. I need to get it right before I start subbing.

Synopsis for
Digging For Victoria.

When Fiona, Larissa and Izzie get to the top of the waiting list for the Long Meadow allotments they think they are just going to grow a few vegetables. In fact they grow much more. They grow friendships that will last a lifetime and other relationships they never thought possible. When they go into battle with the council over a proposed housing estate to be built on the allotments; when Fiona discovers her husband has been having a long term affair; and when Izzie discovers Oliver has left her with more than a broken heart the three women find they have more in common than they thought.

Because they really could’t be more different. Fiona has longed for a baby for longer than she can remember, and has lost more than she wants to count. Perhaps she should have done something with that law degree after all. Larissa loves everything that is pleasurable in life except love itself. She is never, ever going to get tied down. Until she meets Noah. But Noah is hung up on Izzie, who is hung up on Oliver. When Oliver left Izzie for America she was sure she would die. She soon discoverers she isn’t going to die, she’s going to have a baby.
Several sticks get grabbed by the wrong end.

Then there’s Connor Spence. He’s the man from the council, and the enemy to the allotments. But he has the most beautiful eyes Fiona has ever seen. They discover they hate each other in a way that means they can only ever end up in bed. And when Oliver turns up again things are set to become very complicated for all concerned.

Nobody loves me, sniff :0(

2009-04-20T20:21:00.003+01:00

Nobody wants to play Pay it Forward with me! I only asked for three of you. I promise good pressies, honest. It's pathetic, no one has had to beg for players before. The cold's gone now and I did wash this morning, so it's safe to come near me.

Except that I look like a post box! We went to New Mills farm park near Launceston. We went with Little Rays of Sunshine (of which I am now Secretary apparently). The kids had a great time. Jamie loved the trampoline and the sand pit. I would show you the photos only I took them on the phone and I can't get it to transfer them to the computer !!!! Anyway it was a fantastic day so the kids were all smothered in sun cream. Trouble was I didn't do the same for myself. Now I know I'm blond (very sometimes) but I never used to take the sun, at all. I could lay in it for hours and nothing. But since I had Jamie I seem to have become prone to tanning, and burning. The trouble is there haven't been enough good summers in the last five years for me to remember this. So yesterday I came home lobster like. The bath was bloody agony this morning. I was glad I didn't have to face the great British public today, my face got quite a dose. My arms are the worst. Note to self, long sleeved tops!

Pay it Forward

2009-04-17T21:01:00.007+01:00

Yesterday the postman bought be a jiffy bag from the lovely DJ Kirkby. This was my Pay it Forward girt from her. As you can see it was two great books and a copy of 'Shrek Rap'. The books are 'Ideas Above Their Stations' by various writers and 'Music of Maninjau' by David Green. They both look like good reads and I'm looking forward to them.

So now it's over to you. I expect you all know the Pat it Forward rules by now. The first three people to contact me on my comments page to say they want to receive a gift from me will be my Pay it Forward recipients. You won't owe me anything but you have to agree to Pay it Forward to three other bloggers when you get you gifts. So I'll wait to hear from you.

It seems I got the wrong end of the stick about autism and facial recognition. I can't remember where we got the idea that autistic people struggle to recognise faces. I know about the struggle to recognise expressions and emotins, I guess I assumed that meant faces in general. Saying that Jamie knows when we're smiling, and will smile back. And, when he was little, he would come up and touch my face when I was crying (bad post natal depression). But he either can't (or won't) acknowledge a cross or angry expression. Can this change? Can we 'teach' him to recognise emotion?

By the way Fiona I will post the synopsis for DV in the next day or two. I'd like the feedback.

Little Puppy Dog.

2009-04-14T19:31:00.004+01:00

Ok I'm fed up with this cold now, I want it to go away please. I have turned into a snot factory ( you wanted to know that didn't you?).

Today Jamie had his appointment with the eye doc. He hates it because they put these drops in his eyes to dilate them so he can see right to the back. He needs to do this because of the hydrocephalus. They need to make sure there is no pressure. There wasn't. So far there hasn't been, but we need to be careful. As I said the pressure was up on the last lumber puncture, not by much, but we still need to keep an eye on things (so to speak). In fact he was better than he usually is. He wasn't happy about the drops and it did mean pining him down, but he stayed still enough for the drops to go in this time. And then, with the doc, he, more or less, did as he was asked. We were in and out in under half an hour!! Result. Now if they could just provide enough parking spaces for the size of the medical centre....But that's a grip for another time.

As you all know Jamie doesn't speak. He makes lots of different sounds, squeaks, growls etc. Recently he has started a new sound which is just like a whining puppy. It's very sweet. When he does it I've started calling him 'little puppy dog'. On the way to bed last night he was making the noise, but I hadn't said anything. Half way along the landing he stopped, turned to me and made the sign for dog. He wanted me to say 'puppy dog'!! When I did he carried on to bed!

And he can defiantly recognise faces. This was something we've been told autistic children can't do. But he knows who certain favorite TV presenters are and can find their picture in magazines. Fiona Bruce seems to be a favorite at the moment, Richard approves of this very much. And if he's got his computer on iplayer (it's my old lap top), and we have the TV on he will find the programme we're watching and play it on iplayer.

As for my last post. Ok, Ok I'll write it, I'll write it!!! Already this week we have had two men in a bright pink Suzuki Vitara soft top. And they were sharing a one double bed roomed cottage. Perhaps I'll give you a weekly new flash of all the stupid things they've done this week! Don't worry Frankie, I'm sure all yours will be lovely.

Happy Easter

2009-04-11T12:29:00.002+01:00

Happy Easter everyone!

I know what you're all thinking. Puffins aren't very Eastery. Well no. But round here we quite like them. We called our business after them. And Easter marks the start of the 'silly season', our feet won't touch the ground now until after October half term.

I have to say the novelty of looking after nearly 20 holiday cottages has worn off a bit over the years. It would be fine, if it wasn't for the holidaymakers. Oh you've gotta love 'em. Already we've had a leaking shower. That was fair enough I suppose. But some of the things they come up with!! Like setting fire to the quilt because they had let their child take the bedside lamp under the covers to read her book.

And the man who phones up at 11pm to get the web code for the WIFI because the kids were in bed and he wanted to watch porn. Or the one who called demanding we go down and change a light bulb for them (we live 10 mile away). And how many people have lost their keys or locked themselves out I've lost count. I really wonder how they manage to be quit so vacant and odd. I really hope I don't act like that when I'm on holiday. Like the man who complained that the towels 'reeked' of smoke. He was, he said, allergic to cigarette smoke, unyet he had booked a smoking cottage (one that allows smokers)!! There was the couple who bought their African parrot with them. And the woman who brought her two cats and then had a hissy fit when they caught fleas from the farm cats. The cottage had never had a cat in it before and she'd been letting them out. I'm still not quite sure what she thought we could do. We offered to get flea spry but she didn't want it.

A lot of people just think they can get some compensation if they complain. You can guarantee it when the weather's not good. One of the best complaints was that the radiators only got hot when the heating was turned on, and that there was only one grill pan (there was only one grill !!!). Someone even complained that the wall cupboards in the kitchen were not regulation height above the work tops.

We really do see it all. Like the business man with two Thai sisters. I won't go into details but we had to scrap the sheets!!

I keep saying I'm going to write it all down, but no one would believe me.

And breath....

2009-04-08T19:42:00.002+01:00

I've taken a few deep breaths and have started breathing again. I really shouldn't blog when I'm on a down, it makes me sound like such a whingey cow!

Anyway dad got on really well with his first Chemo session. He's a bit tired but other than that unaffected. He had two more sessions and then they'll do another scan and take it from there. Thank you for all your good wishes, it means a lot.

On the writing front. Well I have done two read throughs of DV and made lots of notes. I've just started doing the proposal stuff (synopsis etc) and then I'll get the first three chapters polished. So how do you do it? What order do you do it all in? I'll get those magic first three chapters ready and then polish the rest while I wait for the first round of rejections to flood in!

The garden is less weedy that it was. I will post pics when it's looking better and you can actually see some difference. Not that I'll be doing much out there for a few days. I've started with a massive sore throat and that skanky 'head in a bucket' feeling you get with the start of a cold. I shouldn't be surprised as Jamie has been snotty for a few days. And his ear infection is back. So another visit to the docs looks on the cards. Ho hum, chocolate is in order I think.

2009-04-06T11:56:00.002+01:00

Ok DJ Kirkby you asked for them!!! This is how the garden looked last week. As you can see there is a LOT of crap and weeds. It has been some what neglected for months now. Last year we weren't even living here because of the roof, and then Richards heart attack and so on and so on. Anyway the sun came out, briefly, so I went out for a recky. I started by clearing the rubbish and tidying the bit you can see in front of the greenhouse. That looks better now. And yesterday I started weeding the beds. There are now lots of little red tulips everywhere. I was doing so well, but guess what? Yup, raining!!! So no gardening today. And DJ, yes porridge oats do work. The slugs don't like the dryness. The only problem is that the birds also like the oats so you have to be careful they don't pull up seedlings. Mind you while they're eating the oats they also eat the slugs.

If I had written this post an hour ago it would have been very depressing. Last week was the week from hell. Dad was rushed into hospital on Monday because he went to the docs and had lost so much weight (3 stone) and wasn't keeping anything down. The doc went mad that the consultant wasn't doing anything and sent him off to hospital. There they put him on a drip etc and he picked up. He had lots more scans and tests and they sent him home on Friday. Today he is starting 9 weeks of Chemotherapy. If that shrinks the tumor enough then they will do keyhole surgery to remove it. So we've been back and forward to Barnstaple all week (25 miles). But I was coping, ish.

Then last night there was the sound of a distressed cat coming from upstairs. I thought I'd shut one of them in somewhere. But no. It was my Twinkle, my baby girl. He back end had collapsed and she was dragging herself along by her front paws. A phone call and then a trip to the emergency vets followed. She had suffered a blood clot that had cut off all the blood supply and circulation to her back end, she was dead from the middle down. There was only one outcome, so I held her while the vet did what he had to do. When we got home I decided I didn't like this game anymore, and I didn't want to play. I wanted to shut myself in the bedroom and stay there. I mean what's the point? If every time you think you've got the hang of it the rules changes and the rug gets pulled out from under you again? Happiness is dangerous, there's only one way it can go.

And then I got a phone call this morning from one of my best friends. She had her fourth baby on Thursday. A little boy called Harry. So life isn't all crap then, not really.

My threesome with RM

2009-03-30T12:15:00.004+01:00

It seems I have a lot to catch up with. So first of all here is a photo of my lovely Mother's day pressie. It's a Clivia and I'd been looking for one for years. They went out of fashion and you couldn't get them. Then on mothers day we went to the garden centre and Tada! There it was. (The neat and tidy garden through the window isn't mine).

Secondly for Fiona. I will try and find the synopsis for MG and post it. And DJ I have taken some before shots of the garden I will post them next time.

So to the threesome. Here we go.

3 names I go by; Claire (you all know that). Mummy. and Jamie's Mum (you seem to loose your identity when you become a mum).

3 jobs I want; To be a writer, to be a writer or to be Richard Hammond's love slave.

3 places I have lived; Northampton, Kettering and now Cornwall. We got out of the rat race before it was the fashionable thing to do and couldn't ever go back.

3 TV shows that I watch; Top Gear (obviously). Lewis (good one again last night I thought), and anything that involves snooping into other peoples houses.

3 Places I have been; Amsterdam (loved it, want to go back please), Alfriston (east Sussex, has the best book shop in the world), and we've just come back from Dorset. I'm one of those boring farts that hasn't really been anywhere. Mind you now I have a driving licence and a car that might change.

3 places I want to go; London (I miss being only 1 hour away by train, it's the only down side to Cornwall), New Zealand (we have family over there), Scotland (I'm part Scottish on mums side).

3 of my favorite foods; Chocolate (yes it is a food, well it is when you eat as much of it as I do), Chicken (in any form, but southern fried comes pretty high), anything from the Chinese takeaway.

3 things I'm looking forward to; Dad's cancer going away, Jamie saying 'I love you' and getting published.

3 favorite curses; (Warning swearing coming up, you might want to cover your ears). Bollocks! Say that far to much. Bugger, and that. And F*** in extreme circumstances.

So now I have to tag three bod to do this as well. Ok I'll tag Tom Foolery, Helen and Debs. I will not be offended if you don't want to do it.

We have a new blog friend joining us. She is a very good friend of mine called Maria. You can find her under 'Walking Interests' on my blog roll. Please go and say hi.

Mulberry Gin the final chapters.

2009-03-25T20:06:00.002Z

Just to let those of you who are reading it that the last two chapters are on Writing not Reading. I will poat properly tomorrow with the results of my threesome with rainbowmummy. Have got loads of editing to do, so off to do that.

Thanks Peeps!

2009-03-21T19:48:00.002Z

Wow you are a fantastic bunch. I was in a bit of a funk in my last post. You know when it all gets a bit much? Well that was were I was. I took it out on the front of the house and gave it a dam good tidy. It was looking like a squat rather than a home out there. Now I've just got the back garden to rescue. Nothing much got done out there last year. There was scaffolding all over it until July. And then Richard went and had his heart attack in August, which kind of put the kibosh on gardening.

So I've decided to get in early before everything starts to grow away from me. And when the garden is done there are the veg plots up on the field. We had 3/4 of an acre in the village which we (I) have great plans for. So far we (I) have two large raised beds for veg and some fruit trees to go in this spring. Then we might get the pollytunnel up this summer. We're going to have a tunnel party. But the beer stays in the shed till the tunnel's up! Any volunteers? (our village partys are rather legenderry round here so it'll be worth it).

So, by and large (and I am very large), I'm feeling better about stuff. Thank you so much for being lovely.

Now rainbowmummy has tagged me to be involved in her threesome (no not like that, and anyway there are more than three of us). Doing this involves thinking, so I'll do that another day.

We're Back!!

2009-03-16T12:43:00.002Z

What a week! Dorset was beautiful, but wet and windy. We would go back again, except...

Jamie hardly slept the whole week. He was physically fighting to stay awake. So we didn't sleep much either. Still it was barely two hours away and everything was close to the cottage. And you can drive with you're eyes closed! It is possible to be asleep and still function as if you were wide awake! But it did make me wonder if we will ever be able to have family holidays as Jamie gets older. If it's going to cause such disruption is it worth it? And today we saw one of his doctors who told us that he will almost certainly never live independent and will always need a high level of care. Which we knew, sort of, but it brings it home when someone says it out loud. I don't mind not being able to go back to work, I never had a high flying job anyway. But Richard will want to retire an a few years and I was supposed to go back to work then, so we would swap if you like. Now that can't happen. Richard wouldn't be able to look after Jamie full time with his own health problems. And now factor my dad into the equation and it looks like I'm going to be a full time career for the rest of my life. Which is fine, really it is. It's not what I expected my life to become, but there you go. What worries me is how it's all going to work. I can't expect Richard to just keep on working till he drops, but nor am I going to be able to go back to work until Jamie is much older, if at all. His care needs might get more the older he gets, we just don't know. And all this is assuming my mental health stays level. I haven't had an 'episode' for a year or so now. I get very down and weepy, and wound up about anything and everything, but I haven't gone to sleep and hoped desperately not to wake up for a long time.

Anyway while we were away we got news of dad's scan. It seems to show that the cancer has not spread. And it looks like they can operate and remove it completely. He has got to have another kind of scan to confirm this. And then we wait for op day. He's loosing a lot of weight, which he needed to do quite honestly, but seems quite bright now. Fingers crossed that it is all as hopeful as they seem to think. Maybe I can start to think about what to get him for his birthday after all.

Next 2 chapters of MG are on WNR.

In the wilderness

2009-03-06T12:57:00.003Z

Hi everyone.
This is just to let you know that we're off on our hols in a mo. I may, or may not, be able to stay online while away. If not then please don't be offended if I don't leave comments or reply to emails/comments for a week.

Dad's scan went well but no news yet. They are sending a report to his GP so we should have something to go on when we get home. If anything happens while we're away they'll call. We're only going to Dorset so we can be home in a couple of hours if needed.

Bye for now. And thank you for being there.

PS. Will post more Mulberry Gin when I get back.

Getting Flustered

2009-03-05T16:31:00.004Z

I seem to have got the lovely Fiona a bit hot under the collar when I suggested a good 'me' day would involve Richard Hammond and a bottle of baby oil.

So these pics are for her (and me!).

First draft of Digging for Victoria is finished!!!!! I ended up with 83000 words, but that will go up when I start the rewrite. It will defiantly need a rewrite. There are at least two scenes that need expanding and a couple of characters that I would like to include more.

We have snow again! It's march in Cornwall and we woke to 3in of snow. What is going on with this weather? They managed to get here to fetch Jamie for school. Town was clear and so was the main road. So just us then. We were worried that Dad wouldn't be able to get to the hospital for his scan. Mum was nearly stranded at Instow last night after skittles. The got home eventually, the whole journey in 2nd gear! Still by the time they had to go for the appointment it was clearing, and you could see the fields were clearing across the valley.

They're not back yet (4.45pm) so no new yet. If there is anything to tell I'll post tomorrow. We're of on our hols tomorrow for a week. Might be the last one we get for a while. Had a letter today with the results of Jamie's lumber puncture. The pressure is still up, in fact up a bit more from the last one. So they have started talking about the shunt again. We have to see the consultant in May so we can decide then.

Hope all of you that have not been feeling too good are feeling better soon. I won't name names but you know who you are, and you know we all love you.

Time flys!

2009-03-02T14:14:00.003Z

Wow I can't believe it's been a week since I last posted! I wish I could regale you with all the fantastic and fascinating things I've been doing since last week, but I can't.

Life in a small village changes very little. This is a good thing really. I hate change. No, not quite right. I hate it when change is thrust upon me. If the change has been my own, then fine. The trouble is life ain't like that is it?

Still on a positive note I have a new laptop! We had to do the Sainsbury's run yesterday. And as that's a 25 mile trip we usually combine it with other things. This time it was a trip to PC World. The scanner died weeks ago and we needed to get a new one. Then last week Richard's printer went the same way. So we decided to get one of those combi unit things that do both. And there was this laptop winking at me. I've be thinking of a new one for a while, my old dinosaur is getting a bit past it, but have been put off by the hassle of transferring everything. But I couldn't resist. One thing life has taught me over the last few years, life is too short. So I decided to give the old credit card an airing.

Now I just have to figure out how to make it do what I want it to do. It's taken six years to get this one to do that!

New chapters of MG are on WNR.

Guppy Love!

2009-02-23T19:12:00.002Z

And they call it Guppy lo.o.o.ove!

In number one fish tank we have a bit of a love story going on. We have a little Guppy, we did have three but lost two. There are several other fish in there with him and he was quite happy.

Then, last weekend, we got a pair of Kribensis. They are very sweet fish with a lovely pink blush. Little Guppy thinks so to because he has fallen for the female Kribensis. He is following her around all over the tank. So sweet. Bless him he doesn't seem to realise they are different species.

The photo isn't very good but little Guppy is on the left and his 'girlfriend' is on the right.

Thank you for all your kind words about dad. He goes for a CT scan on the 5th March. Fingers crossed.

Happy Birthday (not!).

2009-02-21T14:05:00.003Z

First of all thank you for all your birthday wishes and your best wishes for Jamie.

He was a star at the hospital. We always get more stressed than he does. I was more anxious about the night on the ward with him. Last time he woke at 2.30am and 'bimbled' until gone five. I spent the time trying desperately to stop him waking up the whole hospital! This time though he slept right through till 4.30, and then was quite quiet until morning proper.

He was first down on the list and so he went down to theatre at 8am. He was back on the ward, all done by 9.30am. All that for so short a time! Still it's where his fantastic neurosurgeon is based, and so that is where we have to go. I expect we will get called for a follow up appointment at Plymouth (he does outpatient clinics at Plymouth so we don't have to keep trekking to Bristol). Anyway it all seemed to go well, so hopefully that will be that for another 12 months.

The last three days have been about the most stressful of my life so far. The trip to Bristol and the lumber puncture were bad enough. But I think my birthday was worse.

My father has been having a few problems with his digestion, I won't go into detail. So his doctor sent him for the camera down the throat, to look for a hernia. His appointment was on my birthday so while we went out to lunch with some friends they went off to Barnstaple. Fine, we all thought, get it sorted out and we can carry on as normal.

We had a nice meal, Jamie had a great time watching the others play pool. We got home and did family stuff until my parents returned from the hospital. That was when the rug was pulled out from under us.

It's not a hernia, it's cancer. My dad, my wonderful, funny, happy, everything to me dad has cancer. We don't know how bad it is yet, but it looks like it's at a fairly early stage. With luck they might be able to do something. My grandmother (dads mum) had bowel cancer back in the '80's, she had an operation and went on for another fifteen years. And it was quite advanced. Maybe I'm clutching at straws, but the alternative is just too horrendous to think about.

Funny that just before I found out I had been blogging, and Frankie had left a comment saying that I was inspirational and always positive. I'm going to let Frankie down now because I don't feel the least bit positive. I feel crap, quite honestly. I had a good cry (out of sight) and then a bit of a rant (again in private). I refuse to accept it until they have done all the tests. It might not be cancer, and it it is then it might not be too serious. They might have caught it in time, he might have years. But he might be gone by Christmas, and I can't bear it.

As you can imagine my mental state is wobbly. I was already wound up about the lumber puncture, without this on top. Now we have got the LP out of the way I'm a bit calmer. And it's no more than a lot of other people are going through. Our own family have been here before several times. My grandmother died of another form of cancer nine years ago. And then there have been the sudden and/or tragic deaths. My mother in law died suddenly, but she was in her 80's. My cousin dropped dead (literally) from a heart attack age 38, to name but two.

One of the worst things is that there is nothing I can do. I can drive him to appointments and nurse him when the time comes, but I can't make it go away. What I can do is not waste anymore time. There are things I want to do with my life and I'm dam well going to do them.

Chapters 13 and 14 of MG is on WNR (and welcome Helen).

Loose Ends

2009-02-18T12:03:00.003Z

This post is going to be a bit, well, bitty.

First of all thank you to all of you who wished me happy birthday.

Secondly I apologise in advance for not responding to comments or leaving comments on your lovely blogs over the nest couple of days. We are off to Bristol in the morning for an overnight stay at the Frenchey Hospital. Jamie has got to have another lumber puncture. Hopefully this time they will decide if he needs a shunt or not. I can't decide about it. There are a lot of risks with having it done, but then there are with having to keep having the LP's. Anyway think of me tomorrow night trying to sleep on the sofa bed thing on the children's ward and trying to stop Jamie waking the whole hospital up!

Yesterday we went with the Little Rays of Sunshine to The Musical Farmhouse. It's a fantastic place. The children had half an hour of music therapy and then went outside to play with the animals. Then we all went back in to a recording studio where the children made a CD. It's a really great place for special needs kids, but it would be just as much fun for any child. And it would be a lovely place for a birthday party, they could all make a CD to take home instead of the usual party bag.

On the subject of education and activity for special needs children Paulene has asked me to spread the word about a free course she is involved in. I don't know too much about it but it looks worth a visit. Go to her site to find out more.

And by the way Paulene I will be leaving the whole of Mulberry Gin on Writing not Reading until I have posted the whole thing. So you could read it all at once then if you like!

I have just finished the lovely DJ Kirkby's book. All I can say is if you haven't already got it, then go get it! It was brilliant. I want to give her so many hugs for some of the things she has been through. And Dick really is well named!! (and I can think of a few more things to call him).

So I think that's me for now. I should be back with you at the weekend. xxx.

Going Quackers!

2009-02-16T20:20:00.005Z

We have got two new residents in the village.

They appeared yesterday wandering about on our verge. Today they were in a neighbours garden. We thought they had escaped from another neighbour who keeps ducks and geese. But as they are still wandering about they must be strays. They are quite tame though and I got even closer than this.

I tried to show them to Jamie. He looked at them and then looked at me as if to say 'yes they're duck, and?' So I gave up. Still he looked.

I'm in the closing stages of DV. I'm at the point of getting everyone together. I won't make my self imposed deadline of my birthday (Wednesday) but I'll not be far off. Then will come the editing. And we all know what that's like!

PS; His bottom has stopped exploding. Thank you for all your concern. Now we just have the small matter of a lumber puncture!

Exploding Bottoms.

2009-02-13T14:31:00.003Z

Yes it is as bad as it sounds! Poor Jamie. If it's not one thing it's another. He is being so good about it. Needless to say he's off school. Bless him. Not that he cares much, he's on Richard's computer doing his thing and having a ball. Just every now and than there is some horrid sounds followed by horrid smells, and yet another nappy change! Too much information I hear you say, fair enough.

Ok so now I've shown you what I see from my window what do you see from yours? Might be much more interesting than you think. We get so used to what we see everyday that we don't always appreciate it.

The lovely DJ Kirkby expressed envy at the photo on my sidebar of my 'study'. I have to confess that the pic is a little misleading. It is, in fact the upstairs landing. There was a room there last year. Regular readers will have heard me tell before of having to have a new roof last spring. For fifteen years we lived with a leaking roof. The worst of the water was coming in in the small room I used as a study. Along the inside wall there was a line of buckets to catch the water. The carpet had to go when it started to rot. I had to abandon the room eventually when fungus started growing and the electrics blew. Not good. So the room was shut up and unused, except to empty the buckets.

The whole house needed gutting when we moved in and we have been slowly getting through it all. The upstairs was the last area to do. Finally we got the builders in and they got to work. We moved out for six months and let them get on with it. When they got to the 'study' it was too bad to do much with, so they took the internal wall down. We decided we liked the open landing so didn't put it back up.

When the builders finally moved out the carpet fitters moved in. I could try to describe the state of the carpets, but you wouldn't believe me. Let's just say they were put down in the '70's and lots of dubious substances must have been inhaled when choosing them. At long last they went in the skip, I could have cried with joy.

It's been a long journey, but we finally have a home I don't feel I have to apologise for. I didn't realise how stressed it made me living in a semi building site all those years until it was over. There are still jobs to do. As you all know Richard had a heart attack a couple of weeks after we moved back in so all work is on hold for now. But that doesn't matter the worst is over. Or it was until the bad storm the other night when we found a small amount of water coming in in Jamie's room!! Just a crack from the movement created when they were doing the roof I think. Hopefully it will be easy to fix. Ho hum.

Next two chapters of MG on WNR. x.

Snow Pretty!

2009-02-09T19:33:00.005Z

This is what greeted us on Friday. Needless to say we were snowed in. It had been fairly bad on Tuesday but this was the worst.

And you can see from the sky that there was more on the way.

The photos to the left is from the kitchen door looking up the lane. The photo above is from the upstairs landing window, looking out to sea. Believe it or not you can see the sea behind that line of trees! And they say it's on its way back. In fact I have just been told that it had started snowing again (7.45pm).

I have to say I'm getting quite used to this hibernating thing. I can quite see why hedgehogs go in for it. Maybe I was a hedgehog in a previous life.

Chapters 9 & 10 of MG are on WNR. Thank you for all your lovely comments about it.

2009-02-05T14:13:00.003Z

As I said in the last post Blu tagged me to post the 10th photo in my file. Well I cheated I bit because the 10th photo was of one of my best friends wedding, and I wouldn't want to post photos of others without their permission. So this is one that interests me.

It's Pevensey Castle. One of my oldest and best friends lives just around the corner in a lovely old cottage with a huge garden, that she actually doesn't like very much!!

Still back to the photo. Is it me or does it look like a face? Two big eyes and an open mouth? And one raised eyebrow over the left eye. I expect the whole thing is covered in snow now. They have had it bad around there. But I bet it looks so gorgeous.

Sorry, I know so many of you are having a hell of a time with the snow. But I love it. Mind you I'm a stay at home mum and don't have to go out in it. I lit the wood burner just now and Jamie has the lovely taxi people to take him to school. So I can sit for a while and look out at next doors garden covered in snow.

I can't look out over my own garden because it runs along the side of the house. The whole village was once owned by the same family, more or less, and so it didn't matter that the layout was a little strange. Next doors garden is actually at the back of our house. Next door the other side has it's garden in two halves, and a house around the corner has a path running through it to get to their garden. All very odd. In our own house we have two flying freeholds. Our under stairs goes into next door. And Jamie's bedroom sits over their barn, that is attached to the end of our house. Confused? So were we.

The lovely Bonnie asked me once what I see from my windows. On Monday I took a couple of photos from the back door. I'll put them in the next post.

Catching up!

2009-02-03T12:41:00.003Z

It snowed, and snowed and then snowed a bit more!! They sent Jamie home early from school yesterday and the school is closed today. We thought we got quite a lot yesterday. And then I got up this morning! I would say about 4 inches. Nothing to what a lot of the country has had, but this is Cornwall! We don't do snow down here!

Still we were prepared for it and had a trial run by going to the Eden Project on Sunday with the Little Rays of Sunshine and the CDSSG to go ice skating. As you can see Richard got on better than I did. Someone did take a photo of me clinging on to the rail for dear life, but they haven't sent it through yet. I may or may not post it, depending on how ridiculous I look. Anyway Jamie loved it, which was the main thing.

If you have never been to Eden then put it on your to do list. Worth it for the shop alone.

Now what else is there? You see I go off line for a couple of days and you all go romping off without me! Now the seriously funny rainbowmummy gave me the lovely award you see to the right. I would like to pass it on to Debs, Bonnie, Lane, Helen, Tom Foolery and Kernowcreations. In fact everyone on my blog roll deserves it, so go get it!

Blu tagged me the other day to post the 10th photo in my files. I will do this in a separate post in case it turn out to be something interesting that might need me to waffle on about. Then again it might be the accidental one I took of the carpet!

That will have to do for today. I think I might go and curl up by the fire and sleep for a bit if you don't mind. Jamie decided 2am was about the right time to get up this morning! I disagreed, but he wasn't listening. I wish I could develope selective deafness like that, it could come in very handy. If I could still hear the chocolate calling but not hear the ironing, that would be good.

Chapters 7 and 8 of MG are on WNR.

Bloody Ears!!

2009-01-28T19:48:00.004Z

Ok so Richard took Jamie to the ENT department while I whimpered at home with a migraine. The doctor was not as helpful as he might have been and insisted in squirting something nasty in Jamie's ears. He then declared that there was nothing wrong. Well, to be fair they haven't been weeping lately so we thought great, problem solved. Or not.

About ten this morning school phoned to say that there was blood coming from Jamie's left ear (the one that was most trouble). Instant panic. With the hydrocephalus we have to be watchful of the signs that the pressure has gone up. One of the signs id bleeding ears. So it was a dash to school and then to the doctors.

Turns out that the infection is back. Whatever the ENT doc did caused more harm than good. Our GP was NOT impressed. SO Jamie's back on the antibiotics. Which means another delay in his lumber puncture. We have already had to cancel it twice because of this ruddy infection. Ho hum.

Now the lovely Lane recently asked us what the fourth picture in the fourth file was on our computers. Well I was sure it would be a picture of the roof in various stages of decay. Bit its wasn't it was Charlie. ( I can't seem to get blogger to put the photo here where I want it!!
Charlie was a very superior Siamese fighting fish, no longer with us.

And for those of you following it, Mulberry Gin Chapters 4 and 5 and on number 2 blog.

My little Polyotter.

2009-01-25T19:41:00.002Z

Jamie had his second proper swimming lesson yesterday. We started last week and he really wasn't sure to begin with. I was a little apprehensive because we tried last year and he didn't engage with it at all. Then he had one of those inflatable rings with a built in seat. He would just sit there and bob about and take no notice of anything much.

But he loved it! His little face was a picture, he just lit up. He hung back to start with. But Vicky (the teacher) lifted him into the water and he was away. She has to keep hold of him and help him, but he giggled and sang the whole time.

This time we got him a Polyotter suit. It's like a regular swimming costume that we girlies wear, but with built in floats all around. So he can get into the water properly. And he has a different teacher this time, and only H instead of all the other Little Rays. So there are just the two of them with Vicky. And I haven't been going in with him this time, so he takes more notice of Vicky. And I get to watch him. He looks so cute! I'll try and get some pics next week.

The week will start with yet another hospital appointment. This one is with the ENT chap. Jamie had grommets put in in 07 and his GP thinks something might be going wrong with one of them, which is why his ear infection is hanging on so stubbornly. Saying this his left ear had stopped weeping now. Isn't that just the way!

New Chapters.

2009-01-24T15:18:00.001Z

Just to let you know that chapters 2 and 3 are now on Writing not Reading.

Mulberry Gin

2009-01-22T14:38:00.003Z

If you look to your right you will see a link to 'Writing not Reading'. I have just set this up to post Mulberry Gin, and anything else that might follow. Click there if you want to read the opening chapter. I don't know if I'll post the whole thing, I'll see how it goes.

She said no...

2009-01-21T19:45:00.002Z

Had an email a few minuets ago from the agent who had the manuscript for Mulberry Gin. She has had it since September and I was hoping that was a good sign. But it wasn't.

It was a no. A quite nice no, but still a no. She was my last hope. So now, when it comes back, it'll go in a draw. I'm not going to waste anymore time on it. I'm half way through DV so I'll just carry on with that.

She gave her reasons, and I have to say I can see her point. My writing has come on since I wrote MG so hopefully DV will do better. It certainly couldn't do any worse. But at least I had a go.

Maybe I'll post a chapter a week on here or something, then at least it won't have been a complete waste of time.

A bump on the head and a bit of a rant.

2009-01-19T19:18:00.002Z

Well I had just sat down to catch up on all your lovely blogs when the phone rang. It was Jamie's teacher to say he had had a fall in the playground, which had resulted in a bump on the head and a nose bleed. They are very aware that the hydrocephalus means we have to be very careful about him bumping his head, especially on his front right side where most of the fluid is. Today he had fallen backwards, which he usually does as his head is so much bigger and heavier than average.

She was very calm but wanted to know if I wanted him to go to the local medical centre or should they call an ambulance? I also stayed calm, and said that it would be best if they took him to the medical centre and we would meet them there. It takes twenty odd minuets to get into town from here and they were only just down the road. So the deputy head and one of the TA's took him down. I dashed upstairs to fetch Pooh Bear and off we went.

When we got there he was sitting on his TA's knee having a lovely time being fussed over by two lovely nurses. He was fine. After a bit of paper work we were allowed to go home. He spent the rest of the afternoon on the computer and has just gone up to bed as if nothing had happened! The nurse said he is to have tomorrow off school and to let him have a quiet day! Some hope. To be honest I'd rather have him bouncing around than sitting quiet, at least I know he's ok if he's bouncing.

And now to the aforementioned rant.
Did anyone else read the Daily Mail article last week about the new test for autism? Now I don't get the Mail, but my parents do. So there we were sitting having a cup of tea and the paper was on the table. I started flicking through and saw a headline mentioning autism, so I read on. And I was horrified. This woman was telling the tale of some friends of hers who have an autistic son. I don't think it could have been any more negative. According to her he was a monster who had ruined his whole families lives. Now I know some autistic children can be very challenging, Jamie is at school with a couple who are. But to label them as monsters!!
The article ended by saying that it would have been better if the mother had been able to have the test and had aborted him.

Now I accept that the test might be welcomed by some. And I can see that having advanced warning that there is going to be something going on with your child that you need to prepare for might be a good thing. Having one autistic child it is quite likely that any more children could also be. But to suggest that people should abort because of autism is a very dangerous, and irresponsible thing to imply. There is enough prejudice out there without adding to it without even having first hand experience.
So I wrote and told them so. I suggested that they talk to a family like ours who have had nothing but positive experiences. A debate like this must be balanced. I have had no reply.

Ok, rant over. Sorry but it got up my nose. Normal service will be resumed in the next post.

The fantasy man and the ruddy tax man!

2009-01-13T14:11:00.003Z

I'm so chuffed that so many of you liked my story 'Living the Dream'. I thought you (rainbowmummy) might like to know who the fantasy man is that Ally drifts off with to escape her vile husband. Well here he is (I can't seem to get blogger to inset pic into the text, it always puts them above!). He is Morten Harket. If any f you over 30's remember the 80's pop group A-ha, then you will know who I mean. I was mad about him in my teens and, now and again, he pops back into my head. This makes me sound like a nutty fan, but I've come across some of those and I promise you I'm not. But the first few lines of the story are from a dream I had involving Mr Harket a few months ago. I have had ideas come out of dreams before, they can be very fruitful source material.

Someone I will NOT be dreaming about is the ruddy tax man. I stupidly decided this year that we would do the business tax return online this time. Well I won't be doing that again! I've already waisted half the morning. Still I won't bore you with a rant, I might call their help line and rant direct! If anyone else is doing the same at the mo, then you have my sympathies.

Now a brief technical question. I'm having a blond moment (and as I am blond with an hons degree I can say that). I notice that most of you have names or words highlighted and we can click on them and be taken to another blog or a web site. Ok so how do I do that then? I've tried and failed so far. Maybe I'm just not cut out for this technology business!! All advice gladly welcome.

Snow Cake and lost cats.

2009-01-10T15:43:00.002Z

A few weeks ago rainbowmummy told of the film Snow Cake and how good it was. I have just opened the Radio Times to see that it is on tonight at 11.10pm on BBC Two. I have the machine set up to record it.

Some very sad news. One of our oldest cats, Poppy, has left us. Thursday night she suddenly became quite unwell, struggling to breath and rather unhappy looking. It was late so we decided to keep an eye on her. By bedtime she seemed a little better so it was decided to take her to the vets first thing in the morning. Richard was the last to bed and said that she had asked to go out about 1am. He let her go, followed her a little way down the garden with a torch and was happy that she seemed ok.

I was the first up yesterday morning and was instantly aware that something was not right because she was not miaowing for her breakfast. She was always a very vocal little cat. I had a horrid feeling and went in search. She was no where downstairs so I had a look out of the back door. And there she was. She was half curled up on the grass by the door, covered in frost. She had obviously taken herself out to die. It upset me so much that she had to die outside in the bitter cold like that. I know cats will do this sort of thing, but even so. I gathered her stiff little body up and brought her in to the warm. We buried her in a nice spot in the garden.

Thank you to everyone who has been so supportive about my story in the last post. It makes me think that I may not be waisting my time!

Please be kind

2009-01-08T19:48:00.002Z

Decided not to have a wallow in the current bought of depression. Instead I thought I'd post a short story. I realised that although I bang on about it all the time I haven't actually posted much writing. I posted this story ages ago before anyone was listening.

All comments would be welcome, but if you really hate it say so nicely please!

Living the Dream.

I push the glass door and glide into the hotel. It’s full of light and air. The huge space seems to go up and up for ever. I’m wearing a floral dress of the finest cotton. It floats in the air, but also clings around my body. The off the shoulder cut and bias skirt is sexy, but the floral print is innocent and feminine, the perfect combination. My hair is down and flowing over my shoulders, falling around in long, soft curls. My ballet pumps make no sound on the tiled floor, and to begin with he doesn’t notice me. Then the swish of my skirt catches his eye and he turns. Once he’s seen me he can’t take his eyes off me. His gaze follows me as I walk across to the reception desk. I turn, catching his eye. I glance down quickly, but I can’t help the smile that escapes. He has turned around so that he can still watch me as I wait at the desk. I can feel him behind me, even though he is still on the other side of the room. I glance over my shoulder and give him the smallest of smiles. Then the receptionist greets me and gives me my key. As I turn away to go to the stairs I can see him approaching the desk. He’s saying something to the girl and gesturing in my direction. She’s smiling and I see her write something down for him. Then he turns to watch as I disappear up the stairs to my room…

His fist comes crashing down on the kitchen table and I feel myself jump.
‘I said where’s the tea?!’ He shouts into my left ear. I wince as the sound hits my eardrums.
‘Sorry. Sorry. I’ll do it now.’ I hurry up and go to the kettle. Shit. I should have heard him come in. I was listening for him. Then I closed my eyes for a second. Shit.
‘Is that all you do all day? While I work myself to death eh? Sit around daydreaming? Bloody hell.’ He pulls his boots off and flings them in the corner, bits of dried mud scattering across the floor I’d spent all morning mopping. I sigh.
‘What was that? What have you got to sigh about?’
‘Nothing. I wasn’t sighing, just taking a deep breath.’
‘Huh.’ He snorts and lights up. Now the kitchen will reek of cigarette smoke as well. I don’t sigh again.
‘What’s for dinner?’
‘Bacon and eggs. Is that ok?’
‘ ‘Spose it’ll have to be won’t it?’
‘I can do something else if you’d rather.’ I rack my brains trying to think what else we might be able to have. My money doesn’t come thought till tomorrow so I haven’t done the shopping yet.
‘Don’t bother. I’m going for a bath.’ And he’s gone. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Well it could have been worse. I take his boots out to the back step and scrape the mud off with an old knife, banging them together to get the last bits off. Then I sweep the kitchen floor and empty and wash the ashtray. I listen to the sounds coming from the bathroom. When I hear the water start to gurgle down the plughole I put the bacon on and start the oil heating. By the time he re-emerges it’s ready. He sits down in silence and I put his plate in front of him. He attacks his food, shovels it in. Egg drips down his chin and I have to look down. I can’t eat anymore and push my plate away. He looks up.
‘I don’t work all hours so you can chuck it in the bin you know. Give it here it you’re not going to eat it.’ I hand him my plate and he scrapes the remains onto his own. I sit back down and stare at the floor until he’s finished.
‘Right.’ He says getting up and rubbing his hands together. ‘Pub.’ I watch him go to my bag, get my purse out, empty it, and fling it back on the chair. Without another word he’s gone. He’ll be out all evening now.

I hear a quiet tap at my hotel room door. My heart skips a beat and I hold my breath. The tapping comes again. I look in the mirror and run my fingers through my hair. Slowly I walk across the room and gently open the door. There he is. Oh God he’s beautiful. My breath catches in the back of my throat.
‘The girl at the desk gave me your room number. I hope you don’t mind?’
‘No.’ I whisper. He’s wearing those tight black leather trousers he wears on stage sometimes, and his white shirt is open just enough. I bite my bottom lip and look away, I mustn’t stare. When I look up again his eyes are on me and he has that smile, the one I’ve seen so often in photos.
‘I was wondering if I might take you out for dinner?’ He has one hand resting on the top of the door frame and he’s looking into my eyes.
‘I’d like that.’ And I take the hand he offers me. As soon as my fingers touch the palm of his hand my whole body explodes, and it feels like a hundred ice cubes have been dropped down the back of my dress, my spine quivers.
The food is wonderful I’m sure, but I don’t taste it. I ache all over with longing. Every time I look up he’s looking at me, and it’s a look that makes me tremble, I know he’s thinking what I’m thinking.
Neither of us eats very much and we both pass on coffee. Slowly we walk back up to my room. As soon as we leave the restaurant he takes my hand again and he doesn’t let it go. My skin seems to have melted into his and I have to look down to see where I stop and he begins. Finally we reach my room. I linger over getting my key and opening the door. Silently he watches me, I can feel his breath on the back of my neck. In a moment I’m going to turn, I’m going to have to say goodnight, the evening will be over.
Before I can say anything he has taken my hand and pulled me towards him. I press my other hand on his chest; his heart is beating as fast as mine and I wonder who will expire first. I open my mouth to say something but he dips his head and kisses me. His arms slip round my waist and I feel his hands on my back, burning through the thin fabric of my dress. I lace my fingers around the back of his neck, his hair brushing against my skin. I don’t close my eyes, I want to see him. I want to be sure he’s really there, that this is really happening.
He shifts his weight and pushes me gently against the door frame. He stops kissing my mouth and moves down to my neck and bare shoulders. Oh God. I can hear myself gasp every time his lips touch me. With a quick movement that I don’t see he spins us round and in through the open door, kicking it shut behind him. He stands before me panting slightly, I’m sure I’ve stopped breathing.
‘God you’re beautiful’ He whispers. When he pulls me to him again I can feel the effect I’m having on him thought the leather of his trousers. I let my hand slide down and over. I hear him groan and feel his back arch towards me.

The back door bangs and my eyes snap open. I pull the duvet up tighter round me and bury down into the pillows. I can hear him thumping about, the fridge door bangs, that’ll be the milk gone for the morning. I close my eyes tight and calm my breathing, turning to face the wall. By the time he fumbles up the stairs and into the bedroom I’m breathing deeply and evenly. Now he’s hopping around on one leg getting his trousers and socks off, now he’s taking his shirt off. I hear a thud and a curse; he’s banged his arm on the wardrobe again. There’s silence, then I feel him flop into bed. I keep my breathing level and keep perfectly still. I can feel his hand, clammy and cold, on my back, I screw my eyes up tighter. His stale breath clouds round me and I have to stifle a cough. He’s pushing his whole body up against my back now. His breath is coming faster and faster and I can feel him rubbing himself against my thighs. He starts grunting like a stuck pig and I have to focus on the patterns dancing on the backs of my eyes to stop myself gagging. Eventually he lets out a loud groan and lolls onto his back. Seconds later there’s snoring.
Carefully I get out of bed and plod to the bathroom. I put on a clean pair of pyjama bottoms from the airing cupboard. Then I go to the kitchen and make myself black tea.
When I get back to bed he’s rolled over to face the wall, taking the duvet with him. Carefully I climb back onto my side and hope the heating comes on soon.
I wake with a start and look at the bedside clock, six. His alarm will go off in half an hour and he’ll want his tea. I ease myself up and creep downstairs. I pull my coat on over my pyjamas and push my bare feet into shoes. I take the five-pound note from behind the hall mirror and shove it in my pocket. With practiced skill I silently open the front door and hurry to the corner shop. I’ve got the milk got back home and got back into bed before the alarm goes off. When it does he roll out of bed with eyes still half closed, and his feet take him to the bathroom without his knowledge. While he’s in there I go and make breakfast.
‘I’ll be late tonight.’ He says, spraying toast crumbs across the table.
‘Oh that’s a shame.’ I turn away so he can’t see the smile that has escaped.
‘Yeah well, can’t be helped.’ He doesn’t look up. I wonder what this one’s called.
‘Will you want dinner?’
‘I’m still eating my bloody breakfast woman. Christ.’
‘I was just wondering if you’ll be home for dinner that’s all.’
‘For fuck sake stop nagging will you. I don’t know what time I’ll be home. For God’s sake you’re not my fucking mother, I don’t have to get your permission for every little thing.’ He raises his hand and I flinch before I can stop myself. He burst out laughing. I relax a little and start collecting the breakfast things. When the blow comes I’m not expecting it and I stagger and have to grab hold of a chair to steady myself. The laugh goes up a gear and he brings his face right up close to mine. I can smell the stale beer from last night. I straighten myself and pick up the knife I’d dropped. I carry everything over to the sink and start washing up. I keep my back to him so he can’t see the tears. I hear him go out into the hall, then the door slams. I slump against the sink and put my hand up to my face. He used to be careful and make sure it never showed. I didn’t need to go and look, I knew what I’d see.
I plunge my hands back in the hot water and carry on with the dishes.
I feel his arms circling around my waist, his firm body pressed against my back and I lean into him. As I wash mugs and plates I feel his lips start to caress my neck and his hands slide up to my breasts. I gasp and grip the edge of the sink. I close my eyes and give myself over to him. It was more real than it had ever been before and I let it take me, let him take me.
It’s past eight and he’s still not home. I made dinner anyway, salad, and put his in the fridge. I do the ironing, tidy round, take the rubbish out. Eventually I make a cup of tea and put the telly on. Just as I sit down he burst through the door.
‘Sitting on your fat arse again I see.’ He slurs and leers at me.
‘No, no I was just…’
‘Being a lazy cow as usual, I can see that.’ He staggers through to the kitchen and sits down at the table.
‘Well?’ he looks up at me as I follow him in. I get the plate from the fridge and unwrap the cling film.
‘What the fuck’s this?’ He’s staring at his plate.
‘Salad. I wasn’t sure what time you’d be in so I thought I’d do something that wouldn’t spoil.’ I can hear my voice getting higher and tighter and I can feel the tea towel being throttled in my hand.
‘Salad!? Christ woman I’ve been working like a dog all day and you give me fucking salad.’ He picks the plate up and hurls it across the kitchen at me. I duck just in time and it crashes against the wall, tomato sliding down onto the floor. I pick up the dishcloth and go over to the mess.
‘Leave it!’ He yells. ‘Leave it and get me something proper to eat.’
I scuttle to the freezer and thank God today was giro day. I pull out a steak pie that will microwave, and a bag of chips. He watches me, hand twitching. When he sees what I’ve got he frowns and sits back down to read the paper. While the food cooks I make him more tea, but he waves it away and points to the fridge for beer. Reluctantly I pull one out for him. He knows I get the money today, he knows there’ll be beer in the fridge, and I know that by the time he’s finished eating it’ll be gone.
And I’m right. He goes to the fridge and mutters when he realises there’s no more.
‘Is that all I’m worth eh? One lousy four pack?’ He turns to glare at me.
‘It’s all I could afford.’ I say meekly.
‘You could get more if you didn’t waste so much money on yourself.’
‘I didn’t, I don’t…’ And I don’t. I can’t remember the last time I bought something for myself.
‘Crap. Where else does it all go?’
‘Food, electric, the phone….’ I know it’s no use, I don’t know why I still try to defend myself.
‘Bollocks. That’s bollocks. With what you get and what I give you there should be plenty.’ I watch him clench and unclench his fists.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Oh you will be.’

I’m back in my hotel room. I’ve no idea what the time is or how long I’ve been here. I can hear soft breathing beside me and I turn over. There he is, lying beside me. He’s on his front with his head turned towards me. The sheet has slipped and is just covering his buttocks. I stare at his naked back, burn the image on my memory. I want to touch him; I want to cover his bare skin in kisses. But that would wake him. I realise that I’m naked too and I smile as I remember.
After he told me how beautiful I was he gently unzipped my dress. I gave a small shrug and it fell to the ground. I hear him catch his breath and he started pulling at his shirt, I went and helped him. In moments we were both naked, facing each other. I never found naked men very attractive, not full frontal like that. But he was fabulous, I mean really fabulous. My eyes ran over every inch of him, locking it all away for later, he was doing the same. But it didn’t last; we couldn’t stand there like that for long. We lunged at each other and soon we were smothering each other in fat, wet kisses. I wasn’t nervous anymore; I didn’t care about anything but this one moment.
By the time we hit the bed we were breathless and sweating and giggling like children. When was the last time I laughed? He pulled me to him and we clung together to steady ourselves. Calmer now he rolled me over onto my back and rolled himself on to me. I felt him slip his knee between my legs, but I didn’t need the encouragement. I wrapped my legs around his waist and arched my back to bring him in. I held my breath to stop the cry I knew was coming. The room pitched and rolled around us and at one point I was sure we were floating. When it came I felt it from my toes to my hair roots, wave after wave shacking through me. My eyes snapped open and I was sure I had died of it. It was only when I heard, and then felt him following me that I knew I hadn’t.
And now we are lying here in the soft light of the early morning and I’m watching him sleep. I can hear something outside, out through the open window. It reminds me that there are other people in this world, but I don’t care. Whatever it is they might be doing it has nothing to do with me anymore. I prop myself up on my elbow and watch him sleeping. Gently I run my finger down his spine and he twitches. The noise comes again, someone shouting. Briefly I look across at the window, but there’s nothing there. I turn my eyes back to him. I want him to wake; I want him to make love to me again. But I also want him to stay like that so that I can look at him forever.
‘Oi! Hey!’
I can feel something slipping, moving away. He’s getting fuzzy and out of focus.
‘Bloody hell! Oi!’
A heaviness comes over me, a darkness. He’s fading, leaving me. No, I’m leaving him. I can feel my feet on the cold kitchen floor and the cold water. I can feel a pain in my shoulders and all I can see now is the darkness of my closed eyes. A sudden pain in my shin snaps my eyes open and I gaze at my kitchen. I’m up to my elbows in cold washing up water and my feet have gone to sleep.
‘I’m talking to you.’ He kicks me again. ‘What the bloody hell’s going on?’
I look round at him blankly. I was washing up. We’d had breakfast, he’d hit me again, gone to work and I was doing the washing up. What was he doing back so soon?
‘I’m washing the breakfast things. I thought you’d gone to work?’
‘That was nine hours ago you stupid bitch. Have you been stood there all day? Jesus Christ! What about dinner?’
I look round in confusion. He’s right though, the clock says six and it’s getting dark out. When I look down my hands are deeply wrinkled and bloodless. I pull them out of the water and dry them quickly. I don’t say anything. I dash around the kitchen doing all the things it usually takes me all morning to do. He’s watching me closely but I’m moving to quickly. In half an hour he’s sitting down to sausage and mash, the ironing's done and I’ve mopped the floor. While he eats I fleet around the rest of the house, and by the time he’s eaten it’s all done. I’ve lost a whole day, I’ve never managed that before. A few minutes, maybe as long as an hour, but a whole day!
He’s wary when I come back into the kitchen. I see him watching me out of the corner of his eye. I gather up his dirty dishes and fill the sink again with hot water. While I wash up he circles round me.
‘So what was that about?’
‘What’s that?’
‘You’re not telling me that’s normal.’
‘It’s easy to loose track of time sometimes.’ I give a small laugh.
He frowns and shakes his head. ‘I’m going out. You better be acting normal when I get back.’ He empties my purse and leaves.

I hear the back door bang and look at the bedside clock, it’s gone midnight. He’s drunk again. I hear him stumble up the stairs and curse. He leaves the bathroom door open and I can hear him. He flings the bedroom door open and I know what’s coming. I keep still and slow my breathing. He pulls my shoulder and rolls me onto my back. I keep my eyes closed.
‘Wake up.’ He slaps my face and I slowly open my eyes, trying to look like I’ve just woken up.
‘Don’t pretend you’re asleep again.’ He’s standing there in his grey underpants and socks. When he sees my eyes are open he tugs his pants down and makes for the bed. I lay still and wait. He leans over me and pushes my pyjama top up. He takes a breast roughly in each hand and squeezes. He’s making a gurgling sound in the back of his throat as he kneads me like dough. When he’s had enough of this he starts yanking at my pyjama bottoms until he’s got one leg off, that’ll do. He grabs my knees and pushes them apart. As he climbs up I close my eyes and turn my face to the wall.
‘Fucking look at me while I’m screwing you!’ And he slaps my face again. I turn back and fix my eyes somewhere near his ear. He thumps and bumps, and huffs and puffs, and then rolls off with a satisfied sigh. He flops off the bed and fumbles back into his pants, then he goes for another loud pee with background farting. While he’s gone I straiten myself up and pull the covers back over me. I see him come back in scratching and stretching. He plonks himself back on the bed and is asleep within seconds. Finally I close my eyes and roll over to face the wall.

When I look across he’s still asleep, the sheet has slipped a bit further and he’s almost naked. I bite my lip and resist the urge to run my hands all over him. I should let him sleep, after last night he needs it. I should be asleep myself, but I don’t care if I never sleep again. I tuck my hands under my pillow and content myself with watching and waiting.
Eventually his eyes start to open. He shifts slightly and looks right into my eyes, a huge beaming smile spreads across his face.
‘Good morning.’ I say.
‘It is now.’ He rolls towards me and plants a kiss on my forehead. I put my hand up and stroke his cheek. He grabs my hand and kisses my palm, oh God it’s like fireworks going off everywhere. I try and keep myself under control, but I can see the smile on his face and I know he’s teasing me. Before I can take another breath his hands are over my hips and ohh!
By lunchtime we’re exhausted and famished, reluctantly we get showered and dressed and go in search of lunch. Walking down the street I can see heads turning and people whispering as they recognise him. A few pluck up the courage to approach and ask for autographs and photos. I step aside and watch. I was like that once, dreaming and wishing. He turns back to me and takes my hand. The girls watch and I can feel their jealous eyes burning into me as we carry on down the street.
We find somewhere quiet and spend the afternoon eating and chatting. I tell him things I never thought I would tell anyone, and he listens. I find out thing about him you never read in the magazines. Together we find each other, and ourselves.
Days pass like this. I know the time is coming when he will have to go off again on tour. The holiday between finishing the last album and going on the promotional tour is ending. And I must think about what that will mean for me. Up to now we have avoided talking about the future, but it’s looming and needs to be faced.
‘I’ve been thinking.’ He says one golden afternoon. We’re sitting under a tree in Hyde Park; he’s laying with his head in my lap looking up at me. I stroke his hair and try to concentrate on what he’s saying.
‘I’ve got to go back next week and get things ready for the tour.’
‘I know.’ I sigh. ‘I’ve been trying not to think about it.’
‘Well I have been thinking about it.’ He sits up and faces me. ‘I want you to come with me. I want you to come on the tour with me. I can’t leave you here.’
I can feel the tears pricking at the backs of my eyes. He takes hold of my hand and grips it hard.
‘I love you.’ He says at last. And that’s it. The tears are streaming and I can’t speak I’m so happy; I never thought I could be this happy. All I can do is nod, but it’s enough. He kisses me and kisses me and I never, ever want him to stop.

Dean knew Ally wasn’t asleep. She’d been like that when he got up. To begin with he had been cross because he wanted his tea and his breakfast. He’d shaken her and shouted at her, he’d slapped her face a couple of times, but still she stayed there. When he got home that evening she was still there, it didn’t look like she’d moved at all. He tried again, this time he left his handprint on her cheek. Still she lay there with her face to the wall. He sat on the end of the bed and watched her for a while. Every now and then her hands would make small movements and her lips would move as if she were talking to someone. Sometimes her mouth would open and her breath would come faster, her face would flush. He banged around all evening trying to make as much noise as possible, until the neighbours started banging on the walls. Still she stayed there.
Days past. Dean moved out into the spare room, it was starting to freak him out. She hadn’t moved at all. And then there was the smell. Her mind may be somewhere else but her body was still in the here and now, and functioning. The sheets were beyond rescue and he was starting to worry. Nothing he tried worked. On the fifth day he called the doctor.
‘How long has she been like this?’ The doctor asked.
‘Five or six days.’
‘And you only just thought to call me?’ The doctor shot Dean a look that shrank him to half his size. Dean just nodded. The doctor sighed and called an ambulance.

‘We can find nothing wrong Mr Caby. Your wife is physically in good health. We ran a number of tests and Mrs Caby is not in a coma, in fact she seems to be awake. We have never come across anything like this before. There is really nothing more we can do for her here and so we are going to let her come home. We will arrange for a counsellor to come in and talk to her, try and get through to her. Something very traumatic must have happened to her to put her in this state, any idea what that might be?’ The doctor looked at Dean hard. Dean looked away and shook his head.
The next day Ally was brought home and settled in bed. A nurse came and showed Dean how to turn her and dress her bedsores. A therapist came once a week and sat on the edge of the bed softly talking to her, Dean watched from the door.
‘She moved her eyes today, they flickered slightly. That should be a good sign.’ The therapist said brightly, Dean nodded.
He made sure her feeding tube was set up properly and the drip was secure before he slipped out to the pub. He couldn’t be too long; she would need turning again in an hour. He took half a pint into the corner and watched the lads playing darts. They called him to join them, but he shook his head.
‘Poor bugger’ he heard one of them say, ‘wife’s bedridden you know, gone funny in the head they say.’
Dean pretended he hadn’t heard and left.

It’s lovely here, I’d never been out of the country before and now I’ve been to more places than I can remember. I liked Australia, but it smelled funny. America was nice, but loud, lots of bright lights as noise. No, if I had to choose a favourite stop so far it would be here, in Norway. It’s quiet and warm and safe feeling. And he’s happier than he’s been all tour, well he’s home of course. He’s taking me to all his childhood haunts, all those places that were special to him. When we get back to England I’ll do the same. It’s tiring though, all this travelling. But it’s worth it. He loves me, he tells me every day. And I’m so happy, I’ve never been so happy.

Reading Not Writing

2009-01-08T16:25:00.002Z

I have just finished reading Restoring Grace by the wonderful Katie Fforde. I love her books and hate it when I finish them. This has been one of her best and I recommend it. And thank you to Debs for telling me how to get the image.

A proper post will follow soon. It might be a bit grim though as I woke this morning with the big grey cloud looming.

Minus Four! But no snow.

2009-01-06T20:00:00.005Z

Jamie had his first appointment of the year today. We had to go to Holsworthy after school to see the eye lady. He did NOT want to co-operate. Every time she held up a card he looked everywhere else except at the card. He was totally in Jamie land. He can be so unpredictable. He was good, no paddying or stropping, he just smiled sweetly and looked the other way. Still she was reasonably happy and doesn't want to see him again until April.

On the way home the thermometer on the car said minus 4!!! This is Cornwall for goodness sake! Thank goodness they came and insulated the roof back in the autumn. All this cold and still no snow. Everyone else seems to be getting snow except me. I'm a big kid about snow, I love it. Mind you know I can drive I might not like it quite so much. We have had it a couple of times. The village is so beautiful in the now. It's been looking quite nice with all the frost, very Christmas cardy.

I've just been looking back over some older posts and I saw that I rashly promised myself I'd have the first draft of DV finished by my birthday, Hahahaha. Easter maybe. My birthday is six weeks(ish) away and I'm only just over half way. Still considering Mulberry Gin took several years, on and off, to finally get right I don't think I'm doing too bad. My diary says I started DV on 13th August '08 and I'm half way, not bad all things considered.

New years resolutions (!!)

2009-01-02T12:46:00.004Z

Welcome 2009, please wipe you feet as I've just shampooed the carpet.

So is anyone making new years resolutions then? Every year I think about it, then decide not because I never stick to them. I thought I might try again this year. So here goes (if I make them public I might stick to them!!!).

Write more, and be more organised about it.

Get published if it kills me.

Be a better mum to Jamie.

Stop letting my own mother get to me so much.

Be calmer (when you suffer from anxiety disorder this is harder than it sounds).

Organise my time better.

Loose 2 stone (this has been on my list every year since I was 17!! never happened yet!).

Read all those books that sit there glaring at me, and don't buy anymore until I have.

No more fish tanks (3 is enough!). Although I'm with Bonnie on the Siamese fighters the house is not big enough!

Get a handle on Jamie's autism.

These are in no order of impotence. And I make no promises that in 12 months I won't be in exactly the same place I am now (oh God I hope not). But one thing the last four years had taught me is that you just don't know what is going to happen. I give you permission to nag and give me a kick up the bum now and then (just not too hard, I bruise easy).

It's nearly over!!

2008-12-31T13:32:00.002Z

Well I have to say I'm glad 2008 is almost over. As I said in the last post it's a year not to be forgotten in a hurry. At the same time I have a lot to be thankful for. We finally got a new roof, so no more buckets in my office! And as a result of all the mess the builders made we had to decorate and have some new carpets ( the old ones came with the house 15 years ago and were put down in the '70's). We now have a home rather than a house, which makes such a difference.

The week of Richard's heart attack was probably the worst of my life. But it has made him slow down and make some much needed changes. The business is finally not his first priority. It also made me realise that perhaps I'm stronger than I thought I was.

Jamie had a good Christmas. He never takes much notice, and this year was no exception. No interest in the lights or decs etc. But he did help open his pressies this year, and play with one or tow instead of waving them bye bye and handing them back! He's still not speaking, but he has settled really well at school and has developed computer skills far beyond his years. I'm starting to think that maybe he'll be ok, in the short term anyway.

My writing has gone really well. As you will see from the word meter Digging for Victoria is just over half way (I'll refer to it as DV from now on I think). I only started it in the summer. Mulberry Gin is with an agent. I never thought I would get to the point of finishing anything let alone sending it out. It has sooo many rejections before someone took interest. I'm keeping everything crossed, touching wood etc that she says yes, please let her say yes! But even if she says no in the end, at least the experience had made me more determined to be a writer and write all the other novels that are queuing up.

Whatever you're doing have a good night tonight. I hope the new year brings you whatever it is you want from it. And I hope the old year doesn't leave too many scares.
Thanks for all you kind comments, and for making me smile with your own blogs. xx.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!!!

2008-12-23T19:23:00.004Z

Ta Da!!

Finally got round to posting a pic of the tree, the lights are on but it was daytime so they don't show. The sleeping cat is Twinkle, her foot seems much better now.

Have spent the morning doing battle, no other word for it, around Sainsbury's. But it's all done, all bought. The door is shut and the world can go hang for a couple of days now! I shall spent tomorrow cooking for Cornwall, but I confess to quite liking that.

I had a nasty bought of something like flu over the weekend and was wiped out for two days. It's doing the rounds everywhere it seems. Had the saw throat from hell. But getting better now. And the wood burner id finally back in and working, so toasty fires over Christmas. There were times this year when I looked at this house and thought we were never going to be able to live in it again.

I think this year will go down as one never to be repeated. It started in January when the builders turned up to strip the old roof off and we moved out, and just snowballed. In February my mother (a very complicated relationship, best not to ask) announced that she didn't want the roof doing and we should wait until she was dead before we did it, never mind that this house is the only thing Jamie and I will have for our future, no as long as she wasn't inconvenienced in any way (bad). In April I finally passed my driving test (good). I finished my first novel and finally got it out on the rounds (good). In August Richard had a heart attack (v bad). In July we moved back in (good). In September one agent asked to have my manuscript (v good). Also in September Jamie started school (good/bad). In October he was diagnosed with Autism (?). Actually when you look at it it hasn't been such a crap year, just a very stressful one. But one that will stick with me.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The 7 things...

2008-12-16T19:38:00.003Z

A few weeks ago now HelenHM tagged me because I have more than one cat (five at last count). This is my attemp to answer the 7 things list.

7 things I plan to do before I die: Get published. Write the other novels in my head. Get Jamie to speak. Be a size 12(!!). See more of the world. Be happy. Kill my daemons.

7 things I do now: Eat too much. Not sleep enough. Worry. Write. Look after Jamie. Don't look after myself. Dream.

7 things I won't do: Go on a cruise. Stress about stuff I can't change. Borrow money. Go on silly diets. Go jogging. Ride a horse. Anything illegal.

7 things that attract me in the opposite sex: Eyes. Hands. Humor. Kindness. Thoughtfulness. Voice. Fidelity.

7 celebrities that I admire: Virginia Woolfe. Stephen Fry. Katie Fforde. Nigella Lawson. Billy Conolly. Richard Hammond. Victoria Wood.

7 favorite foods: Chocolate. Earl Grey tea, KFC, Roast chicken, Prawns, Roast potatoes, home grown veg.

I think that's seven of everything! I tag anyone who bothers to read this who hasn't already done it.

The tree is up, the lights are on and it's starting to look very christmasy. Jamie's off school with a bad cold and a 'viral' rash that his teacher was sure was scarlet fever coupled with pneumonia!! They sent him home this morning and there was a bit of a panic until we saw the doc this afternoon. He was a bit cross that school went so over the top, but they have to be careful. There are one or two in Jamie's class that have quite severe disabilities, and to get ill would be really bad for them. But the panic didn't last and he's tucked up in bed with Pooh bear.

Richard had a hospital appointment in Barnstaple the other day. Everything was fine. But the fish shop is on the way home and guess what? Yes he came home with fish tank number three!! The excuse was that the goldfish had got too big for the smaller tank. Well they have grown at an alarming rate, but not quite that big. Ah well. I think I might set up the North Cornwall Aquarium and start charging!

I heard back from the agent who has Mulberry Gin. She was very apologetic and said she hadn't read it yet. So I have said she can keep it a few weeks longer. Well it wasn't a no, there is still hope. She wanted to keep it, so fingers crossed that's a good sign.

Holiday over, bring on Christmas!

2008-12-07T19:57:00.002Z

Well that was over far to quickly! It was nice to get away and be just the three of us for a while. We spent some time with one of my best friends who lives near to where we stay. It's one of the reasons for going there. We were at college together, nearly twenty years ago now. I lover her to bits and I wish we lived closer. But her life took her to East Sussex and ours took us to Cornwall. But we try to catch up at least once a year. So far she had been pregnant almost every time we see her! She is twenty weeks with her forth. Her first baby was a lovely little girl who died within seconds of being born. Jamie was only a few months old at the time. She then went on to have two healthy boys within 18months of each other. And now, with the youngest only just turned 18 months, she's five months gone with baby number four. But when I visit them there are two beautifully framed poems dedicated to little Libby, and it makes me realise how grateful I am to have Jamie. With all his problems he is here.

So then. On my last blog I made a thing of saying how I was going to increase my word count on novel number two. Well, um.. how shall I put this? I didn't write anything all week. I took the lap top and notebooks, and lots of good intentions. Then everything else got in the way. So now I need to start again. Hopefully having a week off will be a good thing. I did think through a few things and decided a couple of scenes need reworking. So I shall set to work. Well I'll do as much as I can with Christmas and all that.

Can well all please take a moment to mourn the passing of Charlie. My parents were left in charge of the cats and fish while we were away. And under there care Charlie died. To be far I shouldn't think there would have been much they could have done. As Bonnie said about her own poor Gilbert, there aren't many fish doctors about. But that was not all. We had a call mid week to say they had to take Twinkle to the vets because she was limping. Twinkle is the prettiest little black cat you can imagine. She seems to be getting better now though. On the up side however out black and white Mollies have had babies! So we mush be doing something right. There are three tiny little fish swimming around, so cute!

Jamie loved his holiday, although he didn't sleep much. And he had started playing with 'proper' toys. Before we went he had taken an interest in his leap pad. But while we were away he started playing with a postman pat van belonging to Elizabeth's boys, and a singing IgglePiggle that we bought him in Brighton. He has taken IgglePiggle to bed, which I think might prove a mistake. I can foresee a night spent listening to him sing.

Holiday!!!!!!

2008-11-28T20:35:00.000Z

We're off on holiday tomorrow!! A whole week without holiday cottage owners calling with stupid demands. We go to Alfriston a lot because we found out it is a mobile phone black hole. It's great because they can't get us! We went away once and were sitting having a coffee, relaxing with the peace and quiet, nice views and all that, when the mobile went. It was a cottage owner to inform us that she had taken a booking for that week and could we get the cottage ready please!! We had told them all that we were going away, but do they listen? Now we have a Wendy. Everyone should have a Wendy. She is our supervisor and takes charge when we go away, so if they decide they need someone to go down and turn the telly over for them (that has happened, no kidding), then there will be someone to do it. If, and when, we ever give this up I could write several books on the weird and wonderful things we come across, but I don't think anyone would ever believe me!

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. We have a business that is still going well, and at the moment that is a blessing. So far there are very few bookings for next season, so we might not have such a thriving business in twelve months!

Still it will all go away for seven whole days. No work and no hospital appointments.

I still have so much to learn about Jamie's new diagnosis of autism. It took long enough to get information on Sotos, now we have to start again with another condition. Still there are some lovely bloggers out there who are proving very helpful, thank you.

My word count is nearly at the magic fifty thousand! I'm hoping it will go up considerably this next week. Either that or I'll not get anything written at all! I'm determined to get the first draft finished by my birthday in Feb.
The sixty days the agent who has 'Mulberry Gin' has it to read runs out next week. Keep everything crossed that she says yes! She has to say yes, please let her say yes!

Autism confirmed

2008-11-24T12:10:00.000Z

We had the call from one of Jamie's doctors the other day. He has so many different professionals involved with him, about 11 at last count. Anyway this was the local community paediatrician who had organised the autism assessment. The various bods who had been into school to meet Jamie all met up and decided that, yes, he is autistic as well. I have to say I'm still not 100% convinced. I have a first cousin with Ashburgers (spelling?) and when I look at the two of them together they are so different. For one thing Jamie does what everyone says autistics never do, shows affection. And he looks directly at you when you speak to him, and will come and give you a hug without any prompting. There are autistic traits there. He goes off in his own world, is very obsessive about certain things (although he's never bothered about any change in routine), flaps and 'sings' to himself. I don't know.

The trouble is that Sotos is still such an unknown syndrome. It is quite possible that the autism experts who came to see him have never experienced Sotos. If you read about Sotos it almost always says 'autistic like traits', but it is not part of the autistic spectrum. I would have been happier if a Sotos expert had looked at him and said that certain aspects of his behavior were not Sotos. It would be very easy for someone with no experience of Sotos to assume he must be autistic. The trouble is there are no Sotos experts out there, as far as we know. I just hope the autistic diagnosis doesn't overshadow the Sotos, which I still think is the dominant condition.

We had to cancel the lumber puncture because Jamie developed a really nasty ear infection. He's still on antibiotics three weeks later. His main paediatrician, who was going to do it, decided to cancel until it had cleared up. And as we're off on holiday on Sat I guess it won't happen this side of Christmas now. Still at least it will be done in Barnstaple rather than Bristol.

Just to make the week even more fun thee of the new fish died. The two Rams and one of the Gurami's (not Guppies as I said before) got white spot. They must have come from the shop with it because they had only been in the tank two days. Still a lot of funny blue stuff in the water and a water change seems to have done the trick, the others are all fine. And amazingly the five cats haven't taken the blindest bit of notice of them. I was expecting them to line up with napkins and cutlery!

On a positive note, the sun's out!!!

Pretty fish and bad endings.

2008-11-19T12:39:00.000Z

Meet Charlie. He's out Siamese fighter. I would love a whole tank of just these, but they kill each other. So we had to choose just one. They come in so many lovely colours. Maybe if Richard gets his way and we have a third tank we'll get another one.

I have just finished a book that had one of those endings that make you want to scream. 'The Friday Night Knitting Club' (how do you get those little thumbnails of book covers up by the way?) started well. It was the right balance between chick lit and something with a bit more bite. And then the ending just ruined it. OK give the central character cancer, one of life battles and all that. But killing her off just seemed unnecessary. It was the kind of book that should have had a happy ending, and it so easily could have. There was nothing that happened after her death that couldn't have happened if she had survived.

Bad endings was one of the reasons I started writing. So often I would read a novel and be left thinking 'Well that didn't work, it would be better if this happened'. So I thought the best way to get the narrative to go the way I wanted it to was to write it myself.

On the Jamie front. He slept all night last night!!!! The first full night for over a week. And he has become a computer whizz. I think it might be the autistic side coming out. They say that Sotos can cause heightened memory as well. But this is way more.

He as always liked to 'play' on the computer (what kid doesn't?) and so we would sit with him and help. He would point to where he wanted to go on the screen and we would navigate and do the clicking. He had watched us doing the whole start up proses endless times, but still showed no sign of being able to do it himself. He's four with learning difficulties so we didn't think it odd that he wasn't helping.

Anyway one day he comes home from school and asked to go on the computer. We were both in the middle of something and told him to wait five mins. Next think we hear the computer starting up. We both dashed to the sitting room and watched in amazement as he started up. Clicked on the tool bar and brought up Google. Clicked on the favorites list and scrolled down to the one he wanted (he's not supposed to be able to read), clicked on that, then navigated his way through the sight to where he wanted to be. Of course Jamie being Jamie he doesn't go on the children's sites. He likes the BBC iplayer and the channel trailers, intro music from the news and certain programmes, and the freeview site because it has all the logos.

The trouble is we had limited Internet time with out BT package, which he took us over. Que snotty email from BT. So now we've got a new home hub coming with unlimited broadband time!!

More fish, more words and not enough sleep!

2008-11-18T19:49:00.000Z

We now have six more fish in the tropical tank. I would post a photo but the little blighters won't keep still! So to add to the Danios and Siamese fighter we now had Guppies, Mollies and Rams. All very pretty I have to say. I just wonder how long it will be before the novelty wears off and I end up doing all the water changes. I seem to have already been given that role with the goldfish. And somehow I seem to be keeper of the sponge on a stick for cleaning the glass. Ho hum.

I'm nearly at 48thousand words! That's almost half way through the first draft. If I keep this up I might have the first draft done by my birthday in Feb. I started in the summer and I'm shocked how quickly it's coming together this time. 'Mulberry Gin' (novel one) took years! But that was on and off with months of inactivity in between. This time I've been spurred on by having an agent looking a Mulberry. I'm still not writing enough though. Not a sausage today. I had a quiet day, now cottages to do, or laundry (we can turnover 100 sets of bedding in the height of the summer). But instead of being productive I lolled around like a deflated balloon. Probably because that's how I felt.

Jamie's lovely sleep councilor came on Thursday and we've started again from scratch. This week 4am seems to be the favorite. At least that's better than 12.15 like it was on Friday! But he's so happy, and not naughty or troublesome when he wakes. He just wants to be up and doing. I just pray he's getting enough sleep for his own physical and developmental needs. Only time will tell on that one I guess.

Why is it that I have had my driving licence seven months and I still get the jitters whenever I have to drive? It's pathetic! I like driving, I'm quite good at it and I sailed though my test (OK so it was my fifth, my first four taken twelve years or more ago). And I seem to be OK when I'm on my own or with anyone else, except Richard. As soon as he gets in the car, wallop, back to a quivering learner! AGGHH! We're going on holiday to Alfriston in a couple of weeks and I'm supposed to be sharing the driving. I want to share the driving. Maybe I'll put the cases in the car and Richard in the boot!

Look! We DID have a summer!

2008-11-11T12:22:00.000Z

I was looking through some photos on 'my pictures' and found this one of Jamie at Rosemoore in June. I think that day was summer. Maybe it's the way your memory plays games with you but I'm sure I can remember when we had proper summers, followed by proper winters. I can remember as a child the schools closing in the winter because the boiler had frozen! Mind you that was in Northampton where I was born. Saying that we have had snow down here, although not on the scale we got further north.

It wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the wind. We're 666 (yes I know) feet above sea level here so we should expect it. I think Cornwall is just a windy place full stop. Our main weather feature is what we call the Woolley mists. They are a strange phenomenon that start of at the end of the lane and slowly roll in off the sea. If you happen to be out for a walk it feels like you've been caught on the set of a horror film. There's this white swirling, almost living thing relentlessly pursuing you. Once it catches you you feel like you've been swallowed by a giant marshmallow.

But would we live anywhere else? Not in a million years. When we 'escaped' fifteen years ago we thought we had landed in heaven, and still do. We have neighbours who just walk in and start chatting. We have three street light and a post box in the way of facilities and a beautiful stillness that rarely exists these days. We only got broadband last summer and still have the old overhead cables that sway in the breeze, get caught up in tractors and cause regular power cuts. We don't have central heating, but have walls two foot thick so we don't need it.

When the depression hits, or when Jamie has had us up all night (he woke at 1.15am and decided it was time to get up) it's easy to forget how lucky we are to have the life we have. Then we get a call from one of the family still in the rat race and peace is restored.

Slow progress and bloody rain!

2008-11-10T20:17:00.000Z

Is it ever going to stop raining? Went to Barnstaple yesterday to the fish shop (this is becoming a Sunday pilgrimage) to get the first few fish for the new tank, and, as my grandmother would say, it didn't stop to rain! Stair rods, cats and dogs, nothing comes close. Just as we got around the corner near one of the Hartland turns off the A39 we saw a horrible accident ahead. We were about ten cars back so thankfully we couldn't see anything. It must have just happened because there were suddenly ambulances screaming past and the air ambulance overhead. We didn't hang around and took the back roads through Hartland. I pray no one was badly hurt.

My writing has become snail like. I try to do an hour or two every evening but somehow it isn't happening at the moment. I've only got up to 39 thousand words. That sounds a lot but it's only four thousand in about two weeks. Not good enough, must try harder. Hopefully once I've finished painting the kitchen I can grab a bit of time in the day when Jamie's at school. I had such plans for all this time I was going to have once he'd started school. So far none have been put into practice. Mind you it's been impossible to get up to the field to the veg beds with all this ruddy rain!

We have an appointment for Jamie's next lumber puncture. It's going to be next Tuesday. The last one was successful and we saw some improvements in his concentration for a few weeks. This time they will draw off more fluid and see if that makes more difference for longer. If so they may finally decide to go ahead with the shunt. Wish us luck.

Oh please let me sleep!!

2008-11-06T15:54:00.000Z

Oh Jamie, Jamie, when will you let us sleep!?! Jamie has always had strange sleep pattens. It went from 12 hours to waking for a couple of hours and then going back to sleep. Now he's waking at stupid O'clock and not going back to sleep at all. Last night it was 12.30am, the night before 1.30am. We eventually got him to have an hour before he has to get up for school by putting him in bed with us, and holding him down! He has a lovely sleep councilor and we thought we'd got it cracked. Then we went to Butlins and it all started again. Ho Hum.

Richard had turned into a fish tank anorak. He used to keep fish as a child but hadn't shown any interest in ever keeping fish. He also used to breed buggies and rabbits. Then his sister and brother-in-law came down with a small fish tank for Jamie as a Christmas present. We set it up with plants and fish, lovely (see above). Trouble is it's given him the bug back. And because he's not allowed to do too much at the mo he's getting really into it. So, last week, I found myself handing over £150 for a huge tank for his own Christmas pressie. Now the, not very big, living room looks like a doctors waiting room! Mind you, I have to confess, I do rather like them, just don't tell Richard or he'll fill the house. I just hope he dosen't rediscover buggies and bunnies!

Writing progress

2008-11-03T20:22:00.000Z

I finally had someone leave a comment on my blog!! Hurahh! It was from a fellow would be writer from Cornwall (see link on right). In her comment she talks about finding the time to write. It's something you read about in all the writing magazines. They all give lots of 'useful' tips about making writing time. I just to grab it when I can. I can't even think about writing until everything else is out the way. If there's any job still to do then it will buzz around in the back of my mind and stop the creativity dead in its tracks. There are often times when I have to really make myself do it. I learnt the art of this kind of self discipline when I did my English Literature degree with the OU. Not having a tutor constantly on your back to keep you going you have to find the time yourself, and you do. Now I try and apply the same techniques to writing. Personally I find the evenings when Jamie is in bed the best time. And now he's at school I try and make myself have a couple of afternoons a week. So far I'm nearly 35,000 words into novel number two which I started in July. When Richard had his heart attack and I had to take over the business I struggled. But I love to write, so I fit it in. It's like everything else, if you want to do it then you somehow find the time. And I'm lucky that running holiday cottages means only two days a week that are really busy, the rest can be slotted in. And it goes quite now so I'll have the winter to do more. Mind you I have eight fruit trees to plant up in the field, and all the veg beds to get ready for next year, and a pollytunnel to put up. Jamie now has his transport in place which means we don't have to do the school run, that will save two hours a day for a start.

Getting the school taxi sorted out took an age. We asked Cornwall council back in May. Oh well they got there eventually. I have to say that we have been so lucky with everything we get for Jamie. I know that in some parts of the country you have to fight for everything. So far everything has been more or less given to us. I had no idea what having a special needs child would involve or who to ask. But suddenly there were all these people offering all these different things. The latest thing we have been put in touch with is the Family Fund. They have given us some help with the cost of transport for all Jamie's various appointments. Just as well as he has just been put on the waiting list for another lumberpuncture, and that means a trip up to Bristol.

I will keep posting any news about novel number one. The agent has it on a read only basis until the end of the month. Fingers crossed!

Is there anybody out there?

2008-10-30T19:21:00.000Z

I'm not very good at this blogging thing am I? I know you're supposed to blog something every few days and it's been a month! Sorry. Not that anyone seems to be reading it anyway, is there anybody out there?
We've been to Butlins! Now I try very hard not to be a snob. But I have never had any desire to go to Butlins. It's just not our sort of thing. But every year the wonderful people at the Cornwall Downs Syndrome Support Group pay for a child and their career to go on a long weekend. Last year we all went to Disneyland Paris. This year they chose Butlins at Minehead. And we had a great time.
Of course Jamie doesn't have Downs, he has Sotos (and they have just decided he's autistic as well). But because there isn't a local Sotos group, or a national one come to that, we have joined the CDSSG. It came about because we joined the Little Rays of Sunshine group in Bude. It's a local support group for children with special needs and their parents. They're a great group and I urge you to check out their website. Anyway the majority of the kids have Downs and everyone belongs to CDSSG. Although a lot of the specialist help they provide it connected with Downs it is useful for any child with special needs. And a lot of the challenges faced by Downs children are faced by most special needs children.
So off we went to Butlins. And Jamie went back to his bad night time habits. Three night without sleep wasn't much fun. But being with so many people who all go through similar stuff makes it much easier to handle. And all the kids had so much fun. It's lovely to see them being children. So often when they are alone or with mainstream kids their difficulties stand out so much. When they all get together they're just a group of kids having a blast together, fantastic.

The older Jamie gets the more aware I am of his problems and how they come across. The constant 'singing' and flapping his arms and going off in his own little world was cute when he was little. No one took that much notice when he was a toddler. Now he's nearly five and on the big side for his age it's become more obvious there's something wrong. I've started to notice people looking at him more lately. But he is so adorable, all those blond curles, and so happy and well behaved, that it hasn't been a problem so far. Not that it would be a problem to us anyway. He is what he is and if other people don't like it, well tough quite frankly. But I worry. I worry all the time about the future. When you suffer from depression you find yourself thinking about death a lot more than most people. Not always in a bad, suicidal way, but you're very aware of your own mortality. So I'm well aware that I'm not going to be here forever. At the same time I'm only 34 so I hope I've got a while yet. Never the less I'm already worrying what will happen to Jamie when I die. The thought that he'll end up in some faceless institution horrifies me. And I know how stupid that is because he's not five yet for goodness sake. The trouble is that now they have decided he has autism as well it makes it worse. Quite often with Sotos they catch up. Most Sotos children have caught up with the mainstream by their mid teens. And the Hydrocephalus can be managed. But Autism is a different kettle of fish altogether. A lot of autistic children never move on. What worries me is that the way Jamie is now might be the way he is forever. When it was only Sotos I didn't worry quite so much because all the evidence suggests he will, eventually, catch up and lead a more or less normal life. That might not happen now.

But he's so happy. I suppose, at the end of the day, that should be the main thing. Long ago I gave up on any dreams I might have had about him becoming a brain surgeon. If he can have a happy life, whatever form it takes, then that's what matters.

Agent intrested!!

2008-09-29T14:35:00.000+01:00

I've had an agent ask to see the complete manuscript of my novel!! There I was about to give up hope and just publish the thing here in chapter by chapter installments. I have had so many rejections, too many. I decided to give it one last try, and bingo! It just goes to show that what they say is true, never give up. If you really think what you've written is worth while then keep plugging away. If it is good then sooner or later someone will pick it up.
They want it for 60 days on a read only basis, so they might still send it back with a 'thanks but no thanks'. But at least they think it good enough to call in. Asking to read a hundred thousand word manuscript isn't something you do for the fun of it. So I have everything crossed.

Jamie had his developmental review last Tuesday with his paediatrician. He did really well. He doesn't think he will need to see him on a regular basis now. Jamie is still only at the developmental rate of a two year old, which isn't unexpected. He'll be five in January bless him. He's so happy though, nothing seems to bother him. And now he's at school I think he'll come on much more. They do such a lot with them. They go horse riding once a week, music therapy twice a week, they have their own kitchen and do cooking with them, and gardening, all sorts of things to stimulate them. It can be frustrating at times because they can get him to do things that he just won't do with me at home. It's just a waiting game really. They say that SOTOS children do catch up eventually. So we'll just have to wait and see.

Progress

2008-09-10T12:55:00.000+01:00

I promise not to rant this time. Things are starting to settle down a bit now and I'm slowly working out a new routine. We're still having to do the school run at the moment, which is making things harder than they need to be. The local council are responsible for getting Jamie to and from school because of the distance. We thought it was all sorted and on his first day the taxi arrived, with an escort, to collect him. Later that day we had a phone call from the lady who had been arranging it to say they had to stop for three weeks and get another driver and escort. The reasons are many and varied, and not worth going into. So we're back to trekking in to Bude twice a day, or I am. Richard's still not allowed to drive. He's seeing his doctor next week and I'm hoping he'll give him the all clear to drive again. He's getting so bored at home. He comes with me to take Jamie to school, but that's about it. Mind you the skittles season had just started which means he can go out with the lads on a Monday night, but he's not allowed to play skittles yet either. It must be horrid when you feel fine(ish) but are constantly being told you can't do anything. He's getting into the habit of just sitting with the telly or the paper. I think the frustration is mixed with fear that if he does do something it might be the last thing he does. And I suppose I don't help because I won't let him do too much. That's the trouble when you love someone, you want to wrap them up in cotton wool to keep the safe.

I have started writing my second novel. I thought I'd better seeing as no one wants to publish my first one. I have lost count of the number of rejections it's had now. I'm still hopeful though, there are still a few agents out there that haven't been sent it yet. And I have had some positive comments from one or two saying they like my writing, they just can't take it on at the moment. It's what they all say of course. But at the same time they don't need to say anything at all about your writing abilities, so when they do it's a fair bet they mean it.
Writing has become more and more important over the last few years. I've always done it, on and off. But when Jamie got his diagnosis my chances of going back to full time work got very slim indeed. We still don't know how much long term care he will need. I may never be able to go back out to work so I need something I can do that's flexible. The business is fine, but it's not what I want to still be doing in five years time. If Richard gets back to full health and can take it back over then fine. But becoming a writer would solve everything. If I can make enough from my writing to allow Richard to cut the number of cottages down then that would take the pressure off him. It would mean I could work from home and so still be around for Jamie. And it would be the fulfilment of a dream I can't remember not having. So I'm working on novel number two with number three in the planning stages. Novel number one is still in the running, it's called 'Mulberry Gin', so watch this space. If all else fails then I'll post it here, a chapter a week maybe.

Grockles.

2008-08-31T19:52:00.000+01:00

OK so I'm going to have a bit of a rant now. Bloody, bloody holidaymakers! We run a small business looking after holiday cottages. It's stressful and hard work, but flexible and only needs two or three days work a week, in theory. At least that's what we thought when we started it five years ago. It was fun then, it's not anymore. Richard runs it you see, or he did. When he had his heart attack I was forced to take over. Now I know it's how we earn our living, and I know the show must still go on and all that. But when you've been working your whatsits off, are worried sick about your husband who's in hospital, trying to run a business that you usually don't have much to do with and have a disabled child still on school holiday, the last thing you need is someone calling you on a Sunday afternoon to moan that they have been given the wrong colour towels!! I kid you not. The complaint wasn't that the towels were dirty, smelly, tatty, nothing wrong with them at all, they were just the wrong colour. Apparently they should have been blue and I had put white ones in. I really think some people have too much time on their hands. And why is it that as soon as someone books a holiday they loose the ability to read. When you book a holiday cottage you're told what time you can get in and what time you should leave by. It says it in big letters on the sheet you get back. So why does no one take any notice of it??! Please, please respect the in and out times if you book a holiday. They are there for a reason. Mind you I'm sure there are those who think they are the only ones in the whole country who ever go on holiday. Likewise there are cottage owners who are convinced they are the only people with a holiday cottage that needs looking after.
On a brighter note Richard is home and doing remarkably well considering. In fact to look at him you wouldn't know there was anything wrong with him. I'm veering between wanting to hit something and wanting to burst into tears. Jamie starts school full time next week and I'm worried about him. He copes so well with anything that's thrown his way, or seems to. But that's the problem. I sometimes worry that he's too like me. I cope with everything thrown my way until I reach a certain point. Once I reach that point it all goes tits up and I end up in a gibbering heap, on the happy pills and sobbing on the councilors shoulder. And the day after Jamie's first day at school we have to take him to Plymouth (60ish miles) to see his neurosurgeon. I have seventy odd sets of bed linen to wash, dry and iron before Friday, and the tax return to get started on. Oh bloody hell!
So rant over, thank you for listening. I feel a bit better now.
(Grockles is the Cornish for holidaymaker.)

Heart attack drama

2008-08-24T19:58:00.000+01:00

Three days ago my husband Richard had a heart attack. Just like that, out of the blue. He came to bed saying he really didn't feel very well and could I call the doctor. I did and was told to call the ambulance. They were here withing twenty minuets, not bad when you think we live in the back of beyond. They hooked him up to all the bells and whistles and pronounced those words no one wants to hear 'you're having a heart attack'. If I had to try and put my feelings into words it would be a mixture of blind panic and the rush of the stupidest thoughts running through my head. I was scared. Of course when you marry a man twenty two years older that you then you know the day will come when he leaves you for good. I've lived with that for seventeen years and I've accepted it. Richard was 'the one' whatever his age or circumstances, and that was that. But my cousin dropped dead, no other way to describe it, from a heart attack five years ago, he was thirty eight and left a three year old son behind. His name was also Richard and we have a four year old, a strange sense of Dejavue came upon me.
I suppose you could say we were lucky. Three days on and you wouldn't know there was anything wrong with him. Sitting there in his hospital bed he just looks like Richard. He's been given that rare second chance. I think he knows how lucky he was, I certainly know how lucky we are. So many people have given so much without being asked over the last couple of days. I was coping really well until people started being so kind. It was so overwhelming to realise just how much they all care about us. And I've learnt a lot about myself. I've grown up more in the last three days than the last thirty four years. If I can cope with this then I can cope with almost anything.
One thing I know for certain is that things are going to be very different from now on.

New writing.

2008-08-17T15:14:00.000+01:00

This is a short story I wrote recently which I'm quite pleased with, hopefully with good reason!Any feedback welcome (please don't be too rude!).

Living the Dream.

I push the glass door and glide into the hotel. It’s full of light and air. The huge space seems to go up and up for ever. I’m wearing a floral dres of the finest cotton. It floats in the air, but also clings around my body. The off the shoulder cut and bias skirt is sexy, but the floral print is innocent and feminine, the perfect combination. My hair is down and flowing over my shoulders, falling around in long, soft curls. My ballet pumps make no sound on the tiled floor, and to begin with he doesn’t notice me. Then the swish of my skirt catches his eye and he turns. Once he’s seen me he can’t take his eyes off me. His gaze follows me as I walk across to the reception desk. I turn, catching his eye. I glance down quickly, but I can’t help the smile that escapes. He has turned around so that he can still watch me as I wait at the desk. I can feel him behind me, even though he is still on the other side of the room. I glance over my shoulder and give him the smallest of smiles. Then the receptionist greets me and gives me my key. As I turn away to go to the stairs I can see him approaching the desk. He’s saying something to the girl and gesturing in my direction. She’s smiling and I see her write something down for him. Then he turns to watch as I disappear up the stairs to my room…

His fist comes crashing down on the kitchen table and I feel myself jump.
‘I said where’s the tea?!’ He shouts into my left ear. I wince as the sound hits my eardrums.
‘Sorry. Sorry. I’ll do it now.’ I hurry up and go to the kettle. Shit. I should have heard him come in. I was listening for him. Then I closed my eyes for a second. Shit.
‘Is that all you do all day? While I work myself to death eh? Sit around daydreaming? Bloody hell.’ He pulls his boots off and flings them in the corner, bits of dried mud scattering across the floor I’d spent all morning mopping. I sigh.
‘What was that? What have you got to sigh about?’
‘Nothing. I wasn’t sighing, just taking a deep breath.’
‘Huh.’ He snorts and lights up. Now the kitchen will reek of cigarette smoke as well. I don’t sigh again.
‘What’s for dinner?’
‘Bacon and eggs. Is that ok?’
‘ ‘Spose it’ll have to be won’t it?’
‘I can do something else if you’d rather.’ I rack my brains trying to think what else we might be able to have. My money doesn’t come thought till tomorrow so I haven’t done the shopping yet.
‘Don’t bother. I’m going for a bath.’ And he’s gone. I take a deep breath and exhale slowly. Well it could have been worse. I take his boots out to the back step and scrape the mud off with an old knife, banging them together to get the last bits off. Then I sweep the kitchen floor and empty and wash the ashtray. I listen to the sounds coming from the bathroom. When I hear the water start to gurgle down the plughole I put the bacon on and start the oil heating. By the time he re-emerges it’s ready. He sits down in silence and I put his plate in front of him. He attacks his food, shovels it in. Egg drips down his chin and I have to look down. I can’t eat anymore and push my plate away. He looks up.
‘I don’t work all hours so you can chuck it in the bin you know. Give it here it you’re not going to eat it.’ I hand him my plate and he scrapes the remains onto his own. I sit back down and stare at the floor until he’s finished.
‘Right.’ He says getting up and rubbing his hands together. ‘Pub.’ I watch him go to my bag, get my purse out, empty it, and fling it back on the chair. Without another word he’s gone. He’ll be out all evening now.

I hear a quiet tap at my hotel room door. My heart skips a beat and I hold my breath. The tapping comes again. I look in the mirror and run my fingers through my hair. Slowly I walk across the room and gently open the door. There he is. Oh God he’s beautiful. My breath catches in the back of my throat.
‘The girl at the desk gave me your room number. I hope you don’t mind?’
‘No.’ I whisper. He’s wearing those tight black leather trousers he wears on stage sometimes, and his white shirt is open just enough. I bite my bottom lip and look away, I mustn’t stare. When I look up again his eyes are on me and he has that smile, the one I’ve seen so often in photos.
‘I was wondering if I might take you out for dinner?’ He has one hand resting on the top of the doorframe and he’s looking into my eyes.
‘I’d like that.’ And I take the hand he offers me. As soon as my fingers touch the palm of his hand my whole body explodes, and it feels like a hundred ice cubes have been dropped down the back of my dress, my spine quivers.
The food is wonderful I’m sure, but I don’t taste it. I ache all over with longing. Every time I look up he’s looking at me, and it’s a look that makes me tremble, I know he’s thinking what I’m thinking.
Neither of us eats very much and we both pass on coffee. Slowly we walk back up to my room. As soon as we leave the restaurant he takes my hand again and he doesn’t let it go. My skin seems to have melted into his and I have to look down to see where I stop and he begins. Finally we reach my room. I linger over getting my key and opening the door. Silently he watches me, I can feel his breath on the back of my neck. In a moment I’m going to turn, I’m going to have to say goodnight, the evening will be over.
Before I can say anything he has taken my hand and pulled me towards him. I press my other hand on his chest; his heart is beating as fast as mine and I wonder who will expire first. I open my mouth to say something but he dips his head and kisses me. His arms slip round my waist and I feel his hands on my back, burning through the thin fabric of my dress. I lace my fingers around the back of his neck, his hair brushing against my skin. I don’t close my eyes, I want to see him. I want to be sure he’s really there, that this is really happening.
He shifts his weight and pushes me gently against the doorframe. He stops kissing my mouth and moves down to my neck and bare shoulders. Oh God. I can hear myself gasp every time his lips touch me. With a quick movement that I don’t see he spins us round and in through the open door, kicking it shut behind him. He stands before me panting slightly, I’m sure I’ve stopped breathing.
‘God you’re beautiful’ He whispers. When he pulls me to him again I can feel the effect I’m having on him thought the leather of his trousers. I let my hand slide down and over. I hear him groan and feel his back arch towards me.

The back door bangs and my eyes snap open. I pull the duvet up tighter round me and burry down into the pillows. I can hear him thumping about, the fridge door bangs, that’ll be the milk gone for the morning. I close my eyes tight and calm my breathing, turning to face the wall. By the time he fumbles up the stairs and into the bedroom I’m breathing deeply and evenly. Now he’s hopping around on one leg getting his trousers and socks off, now he’s taking his shirt off. I hear a thud and a curse; he’s banged his arm on the wardrobe again. There’s silence, then I feel him flop into bed. I keep my breathing level and keep perfectly still. I can feel his hand, clammy and cold, on my back, I screw my eyes up tighter. His stale breath clouds round me and I have to stifle a cough. He’s pushing his whole body up against my back now. His breath is coming faster and faster and I can feel him rubbing himself against my thighs. He starts grunting like a stuck pig and I have to focus on the patterns dancing on the backs of my eyes to stop myself gagging. Eventually he lets out a loud groan and lolls onto his back. Seconds later there’s snoring.
Carefully I get out of bed and plod to the bathroom. I put on a clean pair of pyjama bottoms from the airing cupboard. Then I go to the kitchen and make myself black tea.
When I get back to bed he’s rolled over to face the wall, taking the duvet with him. Carefully I climb back onto my side and hope the heating comes on soon.
I wake with a start and look at the bedside clock, six. His alarm will go off in half an hour and he’ll want his tea. I ease myself up and creep downstairs. I pull my coat on over my pyjamas and push my bare feet into shoes. I take the five-pound note from behind the hall mirror and shove it in my pocket. With practiced skill I silently open the front door and hurry to the corner shop. I’ve got the milk got back home and got back into bed before the alarm goes off. When it does he roll out of bed with eyes still half closed, and his feet take him to the bathroom without his knowledge. While he’s in there I go and make breakfast.
‘I’ll be late tonight.’ He says, spraying toast crumbs across the table.
‘Oh that’s a shame.’ I turn away so he can’t see the smile that has escaped.
‘Yeah well, can’t be helped.’ He doesn’t look up. I wonder what this one’s called.
‘Will you want dinner?’
‘I’m still eating my bloody breakfast woman. Christ.’
‘I was just wondering if you’ll be home for dinner that’s all.’
‘For fuck sake stop nagging will you. I don’t know what time I’ll be home. For God’s sake you’re not my fucking mother, I don’t have to get your permission for every little thing.’ He raises his hand and I flinch before I can stop myself. He burst out laughing. I relax a little and start collecting the breakfast things. When the blow comes I’m not expecting it and I stagger and have to grab hold of a chair to steady myself. The laugh goes up a gear and he brings his face right up close to mine. I can smell the stale beer from last night. I straighten myself and pick up the knife I’d dropped. I carry everything over to the sink and start washing up. I keep my back to him so he can’t see the tears. I hear him go out into the hall, then the door slams. I slump against the sink and put my hand up to my face. He used to be careful and make sure it never showed. I didn’t need to go and look, I knew what I’d see.
I plunge my hands back in the hot water and carry on with the dishes.
I feel his arms circling around my waist, his firm body pressed against my back and I lean into him. As I wash mugs and plates I feel his lips start to caress my neck and his hands slide up to my breasts. I gasp and grip the edge of the sink. I close my eyes and give myself over to him. It was more real than it had ever been before and I let it take me, let him take me.
It’s past eight and he’s still not home. I made dinner anyway, salad, and put his in the fridge. I do the ironing, tidy round, take the rubbish out. Eventually I make a cup of tea and put the telly on. Just as I sit down he burst through the door.
‘Sitting on your fat arse again I see.’ He slurs and leers at me.
‘No, no I was just…’
‘Being a lazy cow as usual, I can see that.’ He staggers through to the kitchen and sits down at the table.
‘Well?’ he looks up at me as I follow him in. I get the plate from the fridge and unwrap the cling film.
‘What the fuck’s this?’ He’s staring at his plate.
‘Salad. I wasn’t sure what time you’d be in so I thought I’d do something that wouldn’t spoil.’ I can hear my voice getting higher and tighter and I can feel the tea towel being throttled in my hand.
‘Salad!? Christ woman I’ve been working like a dog all day and you give me fucking salad.’ He picks the plate up and hurls it across the kitchen at me. I duck just in time and it crashes against the wall, tomato sliding down onto the floor. I pick up the dishcloth and go over to the mess.
‘Leave it!’ He yells. ‘Leave it and get me something proper to eat.’
I scuttle to the freezer and thank God today was giro day. I pull out a steak pie that will microwave, and a bag of chips. He watches me, hand twitching. When he sees what I’ve got he frowns and sits back down to read the paper. While the food cooks I make him more tea, but he waves it away and points to the fridge for beer. Reluctantly I pull one out for him. He knows I get the money today, he knows there’ll be beer in the fridge, and I know that by the time he’s finished eating it’ll be gone.
And I’m right. He goes to the fridge and mutters when he realises there’s no more.
‘Is that all I’m worth eh? One lousy four pack?’ He turns to glare at me.
‘It’s all I could afford.’ I say meekly.
‘You could get more if you didn’t waste so much money on yourself.’
‘I didn’t, I don’t…’ And I don’t. I can’t remember the last time I bought something for myself.
‘Crap. Where else does it all go?’
‘Food, electric, the phone….’ I know it’s no use, I don’t know why I still try to defend myself.
‘Bollocks. That’s bollocks. With what you get and what I give you there should be plenty.’ I watch him clench and unclench his fists.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Oh you will be.’

I’m back in my hotel room. I’ve no idea what the time is or how long I’ve been here. I can hear soft breathing beside me and I turn over. There he is, lying beside me. He’s on his front with his head turned towards me. The sheet has slipped and is just covering his buttocks. I stare at his naked back, burn the image on my memory. I want to touch him; I want to cover his bare skin in kisses. But that would wake him. I realise that I’m naked too and I smile as I remember.
After he told me how beautiful I was he gently unzipped my dress. I gave a small shrug and it fell to the ground. I hear him catch his breath and he started pulling at his shirt, I went and helped him. In moments we were both naked, facing each other. I never found naked men very attractive, not full frontal like that. But he was fabulous, I mean really fabulous. My eyes ran over every inch of him, locking it all away for later, he was doing the same. But it didn’t last; we couldn’t stand there like that for long. We lunged at each other and soon we were smothering each other in fat, wet kisses. I wasn’t nervous anymore; I didn’t care about anything but this one moment.
By the time we hit the bed we were breathless and sweating and giggling like children. When was the last time I laughed? He pulled me to him and we clung together to steady ourselves. Calmer now he rolled me over onto my back and rolled himself on to me. I felt him slip his knee between my legs, but I didn’t need the encouragement. I wrapped my legs around his waist and arched my back to bring him in. I held my breath to stop the cry I knew was coming. The room pitched and rolled around us and at one point I was sure we were floating. When it came I felt it from my toes to my hair roots, wave after wave shacking through me. My eyes snapped open and I was sure I had died of it. It was only when I heard, and then felt him following me that I knew I hadn’t.
And now we are lying here in the soft light of the early morning and I’m watching him sleep. I can hear something outside, out through the open window. It reminds me that there are other people in this world, but I don’t care. Whatever it is they might be doing it has nothing to do with me anymore. I prop myself up on my elbow and watch him sleeping. Gently I run my finger down his spine and he twitches. The noise comes again, someone shouting. Briefly I look across at the window, but there’s nothing there. I turn my eyes back to him. I want him to wake; I want him to make love to me again. But I also want him to stay like that so that I can look at him forever.
‘Oi! Hey!’
I can feel something slipping, moving away. He’s getting fuzzy and out of focus.
‘Bloody hell! Oi!’
A heaviness comes over me, a darkness. He’s fading, leaving me. No, I’m leaving him. I can feel my feet on the cold kitchen floor and the cold water. I can feel a pain in my shoulders and all I can see now is the darkness of my closed eyes. A sudden pain in my shin snaps my eyes open and I gaze at my kitchen. I’m up to my elbows in cold washing up water and my feet have gone to sleep.
‘I’m talking to you.’ He kicks me again. ‘What the bloody hell’s going on?’
I look round at him blankly. I was washing up. We’d had breakfast, he’d hit me again, gone to work and I was doing the washing up. What was he doing back so soon?
‘I’m washing the breakfast things. I thought you’d gone to work?’
‘That was nine hours ago you stupid bitch. Have you been stood there all day? Jesus Christ! What about dinner?’
I look round in confusion. He’s right though, the clock says six and it’s getting dark out. When I look down my hands are deeply wrinkled and bloodless. I pull them out of the water and dry them quickly. I don’t say anything. I dash around the kitchen doing all the things it usually takes me all morning to do. He’s watching me closely but I’m moving to quickly. In half an hour he’s sitting down to sausage and mash, the ironings done and I’ve mopped the floor. While he eats I fleet around the rest of the house, and by the time he’s eaten it’s all done. I’ve lost a whole day, I’ve never managed that before. A few minutes, maybe as long as an hour, but a whole day!
He’s wary when I come back into the kitchen. I see him watching me out of the corner of his eye. I gather up his dirty dishes and fill the sink again with hot water. While I wash up he circles round me.
‘So what was that about?’
‘What’s that?’
‘You’re not telling me that’s normal.’
‘It’s easy to loose track of time sometimes.’ I give a small laugh.
He frowns and shakes his head. ‘I’m going out. You better be acting normal when I get back.’ He empties my purse and leaves.

I hear the back door bang and look at the bedside clock, it’s gone midnight. He’s drunk again. I hear him stumble up the stairs and curse. He leaves the bathroom door open and I can hear him. He flings the bedroom door open and I know what’s coming. I keep still and slow my breathing. He pulls my shoulder and rolls me onto my back. I keep my eyes closed.
‘Wake up.’ He slaps my face and I slowly open my eyes, trying to look like I’ve just woken up.
‘Don’t pretend you’re asleep again.’ He’s standing there in his grey underpants and socks. When he sees my eyes are open he tugs his pants down and makes for the bed. I lay still and wait. He leans over me and pushes my pyjama top up. He takes a breast roughly in each hand and squeezes. He’s making a gurgling sound in the back of his throat as he kneads me like dough. When he’s had enough of this he starts yanking at my pyjama bottoms until he’s got one leg off, that’ll do. He grabs my knees and pushes them apart. As he climbs up I close my eyes and turn my face to the wall.
‘Fucking look at me while I’m screwing you!’ And he slaps my face again. I turn back and fix my eyes somewhere near his ear. He thumps and bumps, and huffs and puffs, and then rolls off with a satisfied sigh. He flops off the bed and fumbles back into his pants, then he goes for another loud pee with background farting. While he’s gone I straiten myself up and pull the covers back over me. I see him come back in scratching and stretching. He plonks himself back on the bed and is asleep within seconds. Finally I close my eyes and roll over to face the wall.

When I look across he’s still asleep, the sheet has slipped a bit further and he’s almost naked. I bite my lip and resist the urge to run my hands all over him. I should let him sleep, after last night he needs it. I should be asleep myself, but I don’t care if I never sleep again. I tuck my hands under my pillow and content myself with watching and waiting.
Eventually his eyes start to open. He shifts slightly and looks right into my eyes, a huge beaming smile spreads across his face.
‘Good morning.’ I say.
‘It is now.’ He rolls towards me and plants a kiss on my forehead. I put my hand up and stroke his cheek. He grabs my hand and kisses my palm, oh God it’s like fireworks going off everywhere. I try and keep myself under control, but I can see the smile on his face and I know he’s teasing me. Before I can take another breath his hands are over my hips and ohh!
By lunchtime we’re exhausted and famished, reluctantly we get showered and dressed and go in search of lunch. Walking down the street I can see heads turning and people whispering as they recognise him. A few pluck up the courage to approach and ask for autographs and photos. I step aside and watch. I was like that once, dreaming and wishing. He turns back to me and takes my hand. The girls watch and I can feel their jealous eyes burning into me as we carry on down the street.
We find somewhere quiet and spend the afternoon eating and chatting. I tell him things I never thought I would tell anyone, and he listens. I find out thing about him you never read in the magazines. Together we find each other, and ourselves.
Days pass like this. I know the time is coming when he will have to go off again on tour. The holiday between finishing the last album and going on the promotional tour is ending. And I must think about what that will mean for me. Up to now we have avoided talking about the future, but it’s looming and needs to be faced.
‘I’ve been thinking.’ He says one golden afternoon. We’re sitting under a tree in Hyde Park; he’s laying with his head in my lap looking up at me. I stroke his hair and try to concentrate on what he’s saying.
‘I’ve got to go back next week and get things ready for the tour.’
‘I know.’ I sigh. ‘I’ve been trying not to think about it.’
‘Well I have been thinking about it.’ He sits up and faces me. ‘I want you to come with me. I want you to come on the tour with me. I can’t leave you here.’
I can feel the tears pricking at the backs of my eyes. He takes hold of my hand and grips it hard.
‘I love you.’ He says at last. And that’s it. The tears are streaming and I can’t speak I’m so happy; I never thought I could be this happy. All I can do is nod, but it’s enough. He kisses me and kisses me and I never, ever want him to stop.

Dean knew Ally wasn’t asleep. She’d been like that when he got up. To begin with he had been cross because he wanted his tea and his breakfast. He’d shaken her and shouted at her, he’d slapped her face a couple of times, but still she stayed there. When he got home that evening she was still there, it didn’t look like she’d moved at all. He tried again, this time he left his handprint on her cheek. Still she lay there with her face to the wall. He sat on the end of the bed and watched her for a while. Every now and then her hands would make small movements and her lips would move as if she were talking to someone. Sometimes her mouth would open and her breath would come faster, her face would flush. He banged around all evening trying to make as much noise as possible, until the neighbours started banging on the walls. Still she stayed there.
Days past. Dean moved out into the spare room, it was starting to freak him out. She hadn’t moved at all. And then there was the smell. Her mind may be somewhere else but her body was still in the here and now, and functioning. The sheets were beyond rescue and he was starting to worry. Nothing he tried worked. On the fifth day he called the doctor.
‘How long has she been like this?’ The doctor asked.
‘Five or six days.’
‘And you only just thought to call me?’ The doctor shot Dean a look that shrank him to half his size. Dean just nodded. The doctor sighed and called an ambulance.

‘We can find nothing wrong Mr Caby. Your wife is physically in good health. We ran a number of tests and Mrs Caby is not in a coma, in fact she seems to be awake. We have never come across anything like this before. There is really nothing more we can do for her here and so we are going to let her come home. We will arrange for a counsellor to come in and talk to her, try and get through to her. Something very traumatic must have happened to her to put her in this state, any idea what that might be?’ The doctor looked at Dean hard. Dean looked away and shook his head.
The next day Ally was brought home and settled in bed. A nurse came and showed Dean how to turn her and dress her bedsores. A therapist came once a week and sat on the edge of the bed softly talking to her, Dean watched from the door.
‘She moved her eyes today, they flickered slightly. That should be a good sign.’ The therapist said brightly, Dean nodded.
He made sure her feeding tube was set up properly and the drip was secure before he slipped out to the pub. He couldn’t be too long; she would need turning again in an hour. He took half a pint into the corner and watched the lads playing darts. They called him to join them, but he shook his head.
‘Poor bugger’ he heard one of them say, ‘wife’s bedridden you know, gone funny in the head they say.’
Dean pretended he hadn’t heard and left.

It’s lovely here, I’d never been out of the country before and now I’ve been to more places than I can remember. I liked Australia, but it smelled funny. America was nice, but loud, lots of bright lights as noise. No, if I had to choose a favourite stop so far it would be here, in Norway. It’s quiet and warm and safe feeling. And he’s happier than he’s been all tour, well he’s home of course. He’s taking me to all his childhood haunts, all those places that were special to him. When we get back to England I’ll do the same. It’s tiring though, all this travelling. But it’s worth it. He loves me, he tells me every day. And I’m so happy, I’ve never been so happy.

Still raining!

2008-08-16T19:46:00.000+01:00

Well it's still raining! Is this global warming then? I notice they seem to have stopped calling it that and now say 'climate change' instead. Ok so we get a lot of rain in Cornwall, especially in the north here, but this is getting silly now.

I'm going to try and post some photos over the next few days. I always think it's nice if you can see who it is your reading about. Not that I allow photos of myself to see the light of day very often. I'm one of those people who dosen't photograph well. But Jamie (our little boy) is angelic in photos.

People say it must be hard having a special needs child. To be honest I have nothing to compare it with so to me it's the norm. Jamie is an only child and so all his little odd ways are just the way it is. But I do wish he would talk. Of everything I think that's the thing that bothers me most. I long for the day when he says mummy. They tell us not to expect proper speech until he's seven or eight. I know it will come, there is no reason to think otherwise. He has speech theropey and they tell us that he has the ability, makes all the right sounds for speech. So it's a waiting game.

So what is Sotos syndrome? Well I wish someone would tell me! It's quite a rare condition that currently affects about 300 children in this country. It's a groth and development problem. Basically Jamie is about two years behind with almost everything, about three years behind with his speech. But he's ahead with groth, especially his head, as you'll see if I can manage to post a photo. And he's ahead with some things like memory and recognition, we're pretty sure he can read.

If there's anyone out there with any experience of Sotos I would love to hear from you.

Welcome to sunny Cornwall!

2008-08-10T20:05:00.000+01:00

Hello to whoever might be reading this. Welcome to the first blog from a not so sunny Cornwall. I think it might just rain forever. Not that it would matter if it did, it would still be about the best place to live I can think of.

So a bit about me and what you'll find here. My name is Claire and I live in North Cornwall with my husband and little boy. We moved here nearly fiveteen years ago to escape our old lives. Of course everyone seems to be doing it these days, but we did it before it became so fashionable. Eight years ago we finally got married and four years ago Jamie was born. He had problems from the start and was seen by this doctor and then that doctor. Finally he was diognosed with hydrochephilus and later with Sotos syndrome. Sotos is quite rare and we still don't know everything about it. Not that it makes a difference, he's a joy.

I want to use this blog as a cross between a diary and a place to try out some creative writing. I started writing years ago but it's got more serious recently. I have written a novel which is currently out there floating around agents and getting rejected. Still it's early days so fingers crossed. Topics may vary depending on what's going on. I suffer from depression and if I'm having an episode things might get a bit dark. I suppose I should have started this in the new year when the builders moved in and we moved out. Chaos is not the word. A five bedroom three hundred year old farmhouse in need of a new roof is not the best place to be.

The timing could not have been better really. In this weather we wouldn't have dared go out in case the buckets overflowed. I know how melodramatic that sounds but it's quite true. And it's just started raining again, for a change, In fact I'm not sure it's stopped. Ho hum.

So I think that will do as a brief introduction. Next time I might try and inport some of my writing.

Bye for now.